i honestly believe that NOBODY still reads this cuz it's been nearly a year since i wrote in it. but it's weird...i used to think that people read it to see what was going on with me. that is obvious on facebook these days, so i might as well write about how i feel about the things that go on with me these days. i also realized that, while people from back in the day might look at this simply to see what the hell i'm up to, i could actually write some sort of intellectual stuff in here! Not sure I'm up to those standards at the moment, but i did used to edit everythingb ecause of the people i thought might read it. the people i wasn't rully honest with about my feelings, and rightly so, because for some people...the idea of a chick that is depressed might turn them off.
update on the realistic situation: i now work for the NZ governement at the Ministry of Fisheries, it's not the most super job, but it pays better than bagels and looks infintely better on my c.v./resume than bagels. That's my professional life...my personal life is a slight confusing thing.... i am currently single, but if I'm going to be honest in the blog, most of me is stolen by a guy who lives 16000 kms away and only has a basic grasp of how much he means to me. I'm not dumb, and I won't let this consume me to the point of giving up the rest of my life for it, but I can't deny that I am looking at job options back in LA and looking at how to be nearer to him. I swore I would give up my dreams for someone, but my dreams are in California (the people studying the deepsea are there), and he's in California, so I might as well make that work in my favor, right?
Thant's my personaly life...the life that I live that most people see...the drinking life....can't escape that it's not personal and quite public... I have discovered and fully realized that I am a bitch/asshole/retard when actually drunk, when I control the drinking, I can have a RAD night out with randoms. Several night of this nature come to mind, I won't go into detail but I'lll mention Phoenix and Danny and random guys at Mollys!!
What that made me realize is that, while I think I'm fine and such. I'm really a flirt with no intentions, and it somehow annoys me that everyone thinks that because I'm a flirt (funny) I'm a whore and such. Not cool. I spent the weekend with a bunch of a mature dudes, and they all just enjoyed my company and jokes and didn't think I was out to sleep with them. Which is just fucking rad!!!
Sorry if this post makes no sense, but it makes me question that which occurs between men and women. I spent the weekend with a few couples, most of whom were cool, but you could tell they were couple. I think the "winning" few involved a respect for eachother, that meant they respected eachotehrs ability to take care of themselves...not as common as it SHOULD seem. I should stop before I get too offensive. The thing that make me wonder, is if anyone else knows what I'm on about. I think I'm not weird, but how do so many people find themselves in love and such, without getting in trouble... so strange. As long as you respect the people around you, and are always honest about the way you feel towards them.
The biggest problem with people today is a severe lack of honesty. What happened to honor? The idea that our ideals mean more than us? That something like the RIGHT cause, is completely right and acceptable to die for? I know I haven't been given the opportunity, and I would never join the US military because I tend to disagree with their directive....there are causes out there that if I could figure out how I might actually be USEFUL (not just dying for the hell of it), I would be there in a second. And nobody who knows me would understand. Whatever happened to honesty/honor anyways...? Seriously. I'm head over heels. Whatever happens...know that now, and know that if the shit hits the fan, I'm (for the first time) not 100% positive that I could walk away from it.

Sometimes I hate being me. I just get so depressed and worked up over absolutely nothing. It really sucks. It's like I feel like I'm walking this really thin line and if I'm not careful I'll step over it and everyone will classify me as psycho or crazy or something. Things are just so complicated and I'm trying to just enjoy the present and ignore all the doubts and questions in my mind, but when I have days like today and everything just doesn't seem right I don't know what to do. I think I really just need human comfort or friendship or even just human presence, but I can't just hang out at uni because it's a bit overwhelming at moments and then I don't want to be out in public when I'm trying to to cry for stupid reasons. 

Today I really just feel like going to sleep or sitting in a shower for 6 hours or so until I can find some friends or someone to hang out with and stop my brain from going on and on about how dumb I am to worry about the things I worry about. I wish I had someone I could have lunch with because for some reason i think it would really help me feel better, but everyone has work and if I ask Andy it'll be too much time with me for him and I don't want that. I'm trying so hard to make things work it's just stressing me out or something. I almost feel, well...i dont really know, i just know that i really really hate feeling like this and I don't know how or what to do to fix it. 

My uni stuff is going okay. I've got a meeting with Simon this afternoon just to make sure everything is set for my next experiment and I've got some questions to ask him and such, but I'll soon be on the road to finishing this damn thing. I just want to finish it so my life assumes some sort of normality. If I have work during the day then I'll certainly have workmates and I won't have to spend the middle of each day feeling so absolutely alone. I have work to do and I should just do it. Guess I'll go get on to that. Hopefully I can actually be productive and stop all this stupid blathering about being so damn lonely. It's lame.

It's so hard to stop worrying about things when you have no reassurances that you shouldn't be worrying. Wonder if that makes any sense at all. It's like, well I can't think of any examples...i'm just an idiot. oh well...time to work

oh, i go to the doctor on monday for another set of xrays and some news on what's next for my dear broken collarbone.

cheers

Been a bit depressed lately. I've moved into my new flat. I like it, my room is nice and cozy, especially now that I have a dresser and a bed and my posters up on the walls.
as for things with andy, they've gone a bit complicated. we still hang out a lot, i sleep over there a couple times a week, so i s'pose we're sort of together still, but with no real strings and apparently no future, which really really weirds me out occasionally. it's alright though, he's awesome to hang out with and such and for all i know I'll be moving back to the states in a couple months and will have a whole new life starting again. just every once in a while i wonder why i'm spending time with a guy that i like even though there isn't a chance of anything more. i'm enjoying the present, and trying not to even think about the future, but occasionally i start thinking myself cross-eyed about it all.
my uni stuff is okay i s'pose. going to a conference next week that i'm presenting at even though i dont have many results and i'm totally not ready for it. should be fun other than my presentation. maybe i'll work out a way to post my powerpoint or something, just for the hell of it...
my bloody collarbone is supposedly healing, but it's taking FOREVER and making me more and more depressed as i continue not being able to do anything. i still can't play soccer, i still can't lift anything, i still can't sleep on my stomach or on my right side....driving me nuts. i think the fact that it makes me not sleep well really plays with my head cuz i get so tired and then i start getting all lonely and depressed and wishing i had more friends who were there to support me when i felt like crap. not to say i dont have friends. i've been hanging out with jess about once a week to catch up about soccer and life, and i hang out with andy pretty often. it's just that i always kind of feel like i'm intruding on other people and asking so much from them to make me feel better, it's not really fair for them.
i HATE when people smack their gum really loudly in an otherwise quiet place. makes me want to turn around and ask if they are actually a cow in disguise. bah!
anyways...i'm supposed to be working on my presentation but i really just want to get out of here and do something fun or at least fun-ish. there aren't many fun things i can do anymore. stupid fucking shoulder.

ahhh...i keep meaning to post, but the enormity of all the stuff going on in my life keeps stopping me. i'm trying to to let myself worry about anything or get sad or whatever and i knew that writing in here would cause that to happen. now i think i'll be okay doing it, plus if anyone ever reads this, i s'pose i should keep it at least semi-updated...
my collarbone is healing slowly, still in a sling, still can't do much more than gently swing it to stretch it. it's unbelievably frustrating because they can't force it to be immobile, thus the temptation to do so much more is always there. i've been a good girl about it, but it's so frustrating and it's putting me really really far behind on my uni work because i'm not supposed to lift things or do much pipetting and i need to do lots of that stuff to stay on track. i go back to the orthopedic clinic on monday for some xrays and hopefully the removal of my sling. we'll see how it goes
i'm moving on wednesday. Andy and i are splitting up and so i'm moving out. it's civil and friendly and i'm really hoping we can still hang out and have fun. my new place is in kelburn, about a 2 min. walk from uni and just at the top of the cable car. 5 bedroom place, small lounge, small kitchen, but i've got my own room and a mini deck type thing. i'll try to post some pictures once i've moved in. the logistics of moving when i can't carry anything are quite tough. i'm borrowing juliets car to move my stuff, hoping bean will help me carry it up to the place. unfortunately, the bed i'm buying isn't available til friday so i may sleep on the couch in my new place or on my sleeping pad on the floor. i also have to sort out how i'm going to move the bed. it doesn't come apart so i need a van or a truck or something to get it from miramar out to my new place. complicated. all good though.
my uni stuff is getting more and more behind. i was starting to catch up when i broke myself, but now i can't go collect new anemones and i'm not meant to be doing much pipetting or anything. i've got a couple experiments on that i'm working on now, but none of them are the big 8-week one that i can't even start until i somehow get out and collect 70 anemones one-handed. it's gonna be awesome.
oh well. all of my good friends are moving away from bagels and from wellington. juliet leaves for england in a few weeks, hannah already resigned and i think leaves at the end of this week for england, dan (my manager) resigned and is gone. the store is pretty much me and bean. if you add everything up, it appears that my life is really shitty, but i'm not allowing myself to see it like that. i'm looking at it as a bunch of new opportunities.
i'm moving into a new flat with new people, so hopefully i can find some new friends there. i'm starting to get more involved in my uni work, so hopefully i'll start to make up ground and be really productive so that i can produce an aewsome thesis. andy and i are splitting up, but hopefully we'll still hang out so i've got him as a friend and will spend more time on me, since i wont have the opportunity to spend so much on him. i've been hanging out more with jess, a friend from teh soccer team, so hopefully that'll continue and once again i can get new friends.
i went home for 2 weeks. first time i'd been home in a little over 2 years. it was really nice to see how things dont change too fast, really nice to drive my baby car. god i love that car. really nice to see things that are familiar to me and see berkeley and stockton and my parents and such. made me think a lot about what i used to be like. the crazy over-acheiver who never had anytime to sit around and think about things. the person who could do absolutely anything she wanted and who went out and got things. that's not me now, i've got to decide if i want that back, if i can bring back that drive so that i can enjoy the rest of my life getting into interesting things.
i still haven't decided if i'm staying i NZ or going back to the states. half the time i say i'm going to see where i can find a good job, the rest of the time i say i'm pursuing a specific interest which is based mainly in teh states so i'm going back there. i dont think i ever want to actually make the decision, but i'll have to at some point. we'll see how that goes.
i'm going to the NZMSS conference next month. actually doing a presentation at it too. we'll see how it goes, hope i dont get too nervous and i hope i figure out something to say because i can't figure much out right now.
anyhow, i'm sure there's more going on, but i'll think of it later. time to go pretend to do some work
ciao

just thought i should mention in here that i'm broken now. i managed to break my collarbone at my game on sunday, had surgery monday where they put a big metal plate in with a bunch of screws to stick it all back together. i'll try to post some pictures and stuff a bit later. i will say that its super frustrating trying to do everything one-handed and with just my left hand. also surprisingly tired, but i s'pose makes sense cuz my body's working hard to heal the bone and the cut from surgery and adapt to the metal plate.
more later...

Sometimes I hate movies and popular music.
I'm up at uni, sitting in the computer lab with my papers spread out all over the place trying to work out the methods for my next 3-4 experiments and the next 3 months or so, and I'm listening to my ipod. Like half of the songs that come on have to do with humans having close bonds with one another and trusting each other and thinking about eachother and stuff. I'm currently not sure that kind of relationship can exist. I've somehow managed to grow up believing that people can care enough for eachother to put the other person in front of themselves. I've grown up thinking almost that self-sacrifice shows that you care, but it's not really sacrifice, i think it's just the amount you think as the other person. Logically, to me, it seems that if you really care about someone you'll consider them in decisions you make that could affect them. Even if you decide something that's not gonna make them happy, at least the thought was there. It amazes me when people don't even consider other peoples' feelings. I s'pose in some ways this relates back to that time a while ago when I wrote about the complete lack of compassion in today's world. We don't think of eachother, we don't think about consequences past the immediate future for ourselves. Either that or people do think about it and just don't care. In all reality, as the Dalai Lama said on Campbell Live last night, the world is a very small place, we're all in the same boat and need to start thinking globally, start looking out for one another or else it's all gonna go down the shitter. Not just global warming, but intolerance and selfishness. We can be the first species to fully bring about our own extinction. That's really something to be proud of when we've got such an ability to think! Animals that we think of as dumb have lived much much longer than us on this planet because they're not selfish, they inherently know that they have to share, have to think of the others, even without thinking. This ingrained knowledge makes evolutionary sense, it's almost as though we're purposely trying to fuck everything up by arguing our way out of our inherent sense of self as a species trying to survive. Yes, I'm ranting.
I've actually been having a bit of a rough time. I can't turn my brain off from telling me that nobody actually cares about me. It's hard being so alone. It's almost like I chose to leave the only people that knew me and haven't found anyone new, so the only "care" i get is from 1700 miles away, which just isn't the same. My parents still ask what I'm up to, but it's about once a week. Nobody at soccer cares what I've been up to. I have my boy, and he asks and listens, but I don't think it would matter much if I said I had done nothing at all for a week, he'd nod and say okay and give me a hug which would make me smile, but I'd still have that slightly emtpy feeling like it really just doesn't matter. Bah.
Typing is no substitute for compassion and caring. the Dalai Lama is really cool. it really is a pity that there aren't more people out there like him.

i s'pose i should write a little something. been doing better the last few days, also had some strange realizations.
when i was growing up, i always felt like there was something special about me, like i used more of my brain than other kids or something. i know this sounds weird, but i really felt like when i put my mind to it, i could accomplish nearly anything. i always knew i was going to grow up to do something that mattered, something that made the world better, even if it was only for a few people. it was almost like an intense desire to do good and only good. i think part of the reason i've been feeling so crap lately is becuase i feel like i'm completely losing that specialness. i'm nothing special, just another zombie running around trying to make ends meet, no matter the consequences to others. i HATE it. i dont want to be one of the masses, i want to be me, understanding other people, making their days and lives better as best i can. i just seem to suck at it. or people dont want it? maybe it's just that there's still nobody out there like me, so nobody can ever do anything back that makes me feel like it's worth it. i put in effort to make everyone else happy, but nobody does it for me, so why should i do it for the world? why should i try to save the world when everyone else is doing everything they can to ruin it?
i know it's random and a bit of a rant, but honestly. i try so hard to make this place better and everyone just undoes it and doesn't care. how can i make people see me? how can i make them understand that i'm working so hard for them? can they just say thank you once in a while?
just feeling neglected i s'pose...one of the downsides of being an only child. maybe i had too much imagination as a child and imagined too much for myself?
i have a cut on my knee. it's icky.
i'm trying to smile more. do more for myself. maybe i'll fit in if i'm more selfish and think only about myself and my world. i dont want to give up my principles that easily though. i'm already such a push-over...gah!

I tried to post the other day, but I just couldn't think of anything to write, I was totally fed up with how boring and blase my life was. I still think I haven't been particularly interesting lately, but I had some ideas and some time so I figured I'd write a bit.
My dad's been sick lately, he went into the hospital Saturday morning (i think). Some intestinal problem and he was really weak and they weren't sure what was wrong. He's just gone home today (Tuesday) and has to go back next week for a CT scan and another doctor's appt, they might have to remove his colon which sounds really gross to me, but it's better than not being able to do anything at all. Anyways, knowing my dad it'll turn out to be something really weird and he'll get over it and move on with things.
My experiments are going well when I'm able to do them. I went anemone collecting yesterday with Chris and Milena and got like 60 anemones without having to take the train! Yay! I'm annoyed cuz I had this special light rack made for my stuff and this guy in our lab was going to share it with me, but he sucks at sharing and seems to have claimed it for his own. I offered to have one made specially for his needs, but he said he didn't have time. Now I'm having one made for me and I'll just let him keep his. He's never here during the day, so I can never actually talk to him. It sounds silly but it's SO annoying to never be able to find my stuff or use the stuff that I made the effort to find. Blearghababble!!
I've got soccer training tonight and I am SO looking forward to going. Our coach isn't actually going to be there, but it's fun to hang out with the girls and work on getting back in shape. I'm hoping that I can motivate myself to do stuff on my own as well and maybe get a nice stomach back so that I can feel hot occasionally. We lost our last game, everyone just kinda played like crap (myself included). I haven't been playing well lately and I think it's partly cuz I haven't been going to training and partly because the team is different this year and I'm playing a new position.
I like music. When I do my experiments I am up in this little room that nobody can see into and I've got 30 min. that I have to wait during it. I usually just listen to music, but start to get really bored, so... yeah. I'm just waiting for the day that someone else walks in to find me dancing around the radioactive room like a looney. They'll think the radiation's gotten to me. Fun though. Been feeling kinda like crap all day, just down and it's hard to smile about things, but dancing around like a looney listening to music that I like really helps. Especially when my parents start texting and even my boy answered my text! Such exciting times!!
Yeah, so the last couple days I've been really really down. Once again I'm a bit of an emotional spaz and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think it mostly just makes stuff bother me more than usual. Though I did kinda realize that I put a lot of extra effort in for other people. I go out of my way to make things easier/nicer for them, but nobody ever does it for me. I'm not saying I want people to do things for me, but well, sometimes it would be nice to know that someone cares about me being happy enough to take their own initiative and surprise me. Surprises are funny things for me. I dated someone long ago who liked to do that nice stuff for me all the time and I loved it. I loved feeling loved, feeling cared for, but it almost got to be too much and it was almost predictable for me. As soon as it becomes predictable I don't like it as much. The next person I dated then told me that he would never do anything "romantic" (as surprises often kinda are) because I had ruined it by telling him that I had a habit of predicting surprises or nice things the guy before would do for me. He eventually did do lots of little surprising things, though I think I did more. It was pretty good. Maybe it's just my niche to go out of my way to make people's days better but never have mine made better "just because". I think "just because" is one of the best reasons ever for getting something for someone or doing something special for them. It's dumb that we only do nice things for people on certain days.
Yes I'm rambling. I have an hour to waste...i promise i wont ramble for the whole thing.
Has anyone else ever noticed how amazing it feels when someone starts smiling because of something you've done or said? Especially when they keep smiling for hours because of it. Nothing like that happens to me. Maybe that's why I have so much trouble smiling. Maybe I just don't notice those things because I'm so keyed in on them that I miss 'em when they come.
Anywhoooo...i think that's it for now.

Why does everything have to cost money? There's just so much I want to do with myself, to do with my youthful sprightley-ness, but I can't afford any of it. I love rock climbing but I can't afford to go more than like, once in a blue moon. I love kayaking, tramping, sailing, diving...all sorts of stuff like that. I just can't.
I want to go sailing, but it's $100 to join and then I think it's like $30 or something each time to take out a boat.
I'm playing soccer, but indoor is $120 for a season, and outdoor is $170 for the season.
Diving is massively expensive, obviously to hire gear and all that crap.
Tramping shouldn't be expensive, but it involves getting clothes and food and some way to get away from the city, plus you've got to find a place to stay and that costs money.
Kayaking you've got to pay to rent the kayak. Climbing you've got to hire shoes and wall time. Shoes and a harness to purchase you can get as a package for $190 or so. So much money!
If I want to go home it's more than $3000, I want to take Andy snowboarding, gotta allow something like $500 for that. Just buying groceries for the week is like $60. I can't figure out where the rest of my weekly income goes. It's like it just turns into smoke and disappears or something. I guess I should work out a planned budget or something to make sure I know where my money is going, but then I can't be spontaneous at all.
I got invited to go visit the Pacific Islands with a friend, but that's heaps of money as well and I'd LOVE to go, I really can't afford it without help from the parents. I HATE asking them for money, but I'm finding myself doing it because I SUCK at living on such a tight budget.
Grrrr.
I'm hungry. I'm sick of everyone at the boys work just being fuckheads and him having so much work. He hasn't been home at a normal hour in the last 3 weeks, has been in every weekend....he's not paid enough for that, but he'll never say anything. Just frustrating to watch, especially since I know I can't even sneak around and try to fix it myself like I tend to do. Argh!
In other news, the liquid scintillation counter (LSC) up at uni is possessed and since my recent experiments all rely on it working to give me results, I'm frustrated. Tomorrow I've got to call the tech and see if they'll come up and see what's wrong with it. I can still do experiments because there's no limit on the time you can wait to get the results, but not knowing if they're working is not very helpful. It's kinda crappy. Like today I had a good, fun day at work, but then I went up to uni and just got more and more frustrated.
Tomorrow I've got to go up to uni early...8:30-ish and hopefully call the tech people then. I've then got a doctor's appt. at 10:15 and then gonna work over lunch, so about 12-2. Then it's back up to uni to clean my anemones and set up my next experiments, or maybe have a play with the damn LSC machine if the tech people were helpful at all over the phone.
Anyhow...I'm bored. I really should work on uni stuff and writing stuff up when I've got time like this, but I really just can't seem to get started on it. I've tried like 6 times. I hate starting things! Once I get going it's not that bad, it's just starting. Poos.
Laterz

So this morning I woke up at about 5:30am to this really weird water dripping sound. I nudged Andy who woke up with a start and switched on the light to reveal water pouring through every space in our brick wall. Our wall was kinda like a waterfall dripping onto his stereo. Like action heroes, we then jump out of bed, move the stereo table and get up to turn on the room light. More light reveals the wall, plus the wall on the other side, and an absolute stream of water coming from the ceiling at the top of the stairs and down at the bottom of them too. So very amusing and nice to wake up to. Basically we moved everything away from the walls and then called a plumber and building management and the landlord. They came by and told us that a rain gutter had been blocked and backed up, eventually coming through the walls. I guess the penthouse up on top of us was fully flooded. What a mess!
So now I'm cleaning up generally so that if they come in to dry the carpet or anything it won't look like we're such slobs! I want to take pictures of the water stuff before I actually clean that up.
K, gotta get back to cleaning. It's still slowly coming down the wall, and still dripping right where my head goes...the bed is moved though, and i've got a towel set up for it.

So I've returned unharmed from my train trip/anemone collecting. Thanks to flatmate duane I only had to walk back from the train station with my shovel, and I definitely found that to be a fun experience. Well, fun as in thought-provoking. I kept wondering what everyone was thinking as they walked by. I don't often walk around the business part of town during the day, but it's kind of weird. Lots of cars are still out driving around, but most people are indoors, the only people outdoors were bums like me, smokers, and lone business people in suits sitting on scruffy old benches stuffing their faces with food. What a lonely existence if you end up eating lunch outside, by yourself all dressed up in work clothes. None of them seemed to be enjoying being outdoors at all, all of them seemed intent on getting the food in their faces so that they could go back to whatever work they had sitting on their desks waiting for them. Relax people!! I'm not really one to talk, being a bit of a workaholic myself, but when I take my breaks, I relax. At least I try to relax.
So what would a girl my age be doing wandering around central wellington with a shovel? Normally? Going out to seek revenge on someone? Trying to become the "scary guy" from the original Home Alone? Just need some salt for that. Going gardening? It really must look kind of odd, I made eye contact with a lot of people cuz I was interested in the reaction (yes, i know that's a lot of thinking all because of a stupid shovel, but i was kinda bored). Most people looked at me with more interest than I usually get, but nobody really seemed that surprised. Wonder what would surprise people. What would be crazy enough to actually get them to ask me why I've got whatever it is. What would it take to open some sort of speaking communication? The guys who worked at the trains all asked me what it was for. They must get people carrying odd things on the train all the time.
In other news, the boat dive trip that my mom got me for my birthday in 2005 is causing me stress. I kept trying to book it, but didnt make it in and then the weather was crappy and I had soccer every sunday. I tried to call in a re-book it last month only to find that the company had changed hands and wasn't even called the same thing. I called and asked if they'd still honor my certificate, since it had been paid for and had no expiry date. The guy said to come in and that he should still be able to. I went in today, and I'm gonna be in trouble with my mom. Basically the guy said that it's been too long and he didn't think he could honor the full amount, he then offered me $60 off either a refresher course or the advanced diver course. Considering that the original voucher was worth $155, I think that's a bit of a rip-off, but it is still better than nothing. Now I've got to (quickly) work out what I want to do. There's no way I can actually afford to do either of those options without asking my mom for help and asking my mom for help forces me to tell her I didn't manage to get out on that dive she bugged me about for so long. I really really did want to go, but it just was never in the cards. I hate talking to my mom about this stuff. I absolutely hate when I let her down and waste her money or time or whatever. Grr. I'll work something out.
I'm rambling, should go find some work to do.

Today I'm off to do something that scares the bejesus out of me for no reason. I'm going anemone collecting, but I'm taking the train to do so and going by myself. Going by myself scares me a little just cuz it's kinda lonely wading around in the shit-smelling mud and I already have enough motivation problems with collecting. I'm more afraid of taking the train. I've only taken the train once here in NZ and it went fine, but for some reason I'm still really uncomfortable taking the train, especially on my own. I've got my gumboots in my backpack, so I won't look too weird, but I can't fit the shovel in there, so I'm contemplating just taking a really big cooking spoon or something to avoid carrying the shovel all over with me. I'll just look so silly walking around with a big shovel and then on the way back, walking with a big shovel and a little container full of tiny sea anemones. Plus by that point I'll probably be quite muddy, freezing, and since it kinda looks like rain, I might end up drenched as well. I'm such an optimist on these things!! Oh well.
I think I might take some food and go early so that I can start collecting as soon as the tide is low enough. It's really not a very low tide today and I'm not sure it's even worth it to try to go out today, but I really really need to get some of my own anemones and I need to do it soon, so I might as well give it a try. Gah. Off to be brave now! Woohoo!

So I've sort of realized that I'm, unfortunately, not one of those people who can just simply go through my life and be happy. I think I get bored with things too easily, and I get unhappy when things in my life don't interest me and don't challenge me. Thus, I've realized that I need to get out and make myself happy. I need to be more proactive in my own life. Doesn't really seem like that much of a revelation, but I hope I can stick to it cuz I really think it'll help my state of mind.
I realized this today while I was out for my nice 45 min. run! All day today I kept thinking that I should get out for a run so that I can be in better shape, and also to test out my sore ankle and just see what it's up to. It was fine, and the run was so nice. I love when I go for random runs like that and actually feel good. I think I'm in mildly better shape than I thought because I've been playing a lot of soccer and actually working at soccer. That's not to say it wasn't tiring and I'll probably be sore tomorrow, but it made me feel good. When I got home from uni I basically just didn't turn my computer on and didn't allow myself to sit down at all, I walked straight in and changed into my running clothes.
I got home and vaccumed our apartment cuz it's been looking kinda manky lately and I thought it might help to have the home looking nice. Next I'm hoping to shower and actually dry my hair down and just generally try to make myself look nice. I think if I look a bit more cleaned up and girly, maybe I'll start feeling better about myself again.
Today when I was walking around town I just felt confident, I've been missing that and I think it's actually what kept me from getting down for so long when I first got here. I walked around everywhere thinking about how I had moved to a new country all on my own and I could take care of myself and meet people and be an interesting person that people would like. I want that back. That confidence, which can almost feel like sassiness. is that a word? anyways, i know what i mean and i like that feeling, so instead of wandering around and hoping to feel confident sometimes, i'm gonna work to get myself feeling good physically, and feeling good about how i look and appear to other people. I really think it'll help.
In other news, my soccer team lost on Sunday, but we really shouldn't have. I thought we could have beaten them. Andy and flatmate DC have said they're both gonna come to the game on Sunday and bring lots of bourbon and coke and get real pissed watching us play. We'll see if it actually happens. Would be very amusing if it did happen.
Tomorrow is ANZAC day, which is much like veterans day in the states. We get the day off, and instead of working it, like I do most holidays (extra pay), I chose to take it off so that I could spend the day with Andy, maybe have a picnic or something. Turns out he probably has to work cuz he's got some big job that has to be finished this week. Oh well, I'm not as upset as I probably would have been in the past. It happens. I've got soccer training in the morning anyways, so I'll be happy if we just get a little time to maybe go for a walk or get outside away from work environments.
I should go shower so I don't look like a drowned rat for my boy = )
Cheerio!
(Cheerios are not very popular over here and are also pretty new. It's weird)

It's been a couple weeks.
I had my fancy waxing done, fucking painful. She started by doing the "brazilian" bit of it, saying that it's better to get it over with. In hindsight, I completely agree with her, though it certainly wasn't pleasant. Let's just rip out every bit of hair on some very very sensitive skin... Afterwards it sure looked nice though. Then came the legs, I wasn't paying attention thinking that she was still putting on the pre-wax stuff that stops it sticking to your skin, but I was wrong. She grabbed a strip of cloth and started ripping. Ow!!!! Only nice thing is that the legs go much faster that the other bit because it's less delicate when it comes to applying the wax and such.
I'm now 2 weeks past the day of the waxing, and I'm lovin' it. At least on my legs. There's still some random long hairs that were missed, and it's barely starting to grow back now, but it was so much nicer during the weeks and i didnt have to shave and they weren't all itchy and it was really nice. Too bad it's so expensive.
After the waxing we had drinks at work, it was fun to hang out and drink and act stupid with all my friends from work.
Had our first game for the Uni team that Sunday and we lost to Karori. We tied them in preseason and I still think we should be the bettter team, but we lost 4-0 which makes us look real bad. Not sure how it happened, though we did have someone from the seconds playing sweeper and I just find it so weird to have a person defending behind me. I ran into her a couple times and didn't really know what I was meant to be doing.
Tuesday morning we headed down to Christchurch (chch) for the Uni Games. This is the only inter-university competition in New Zealand, very different from the states. The soccer team is made up of random Vic students, not the girls from my Uni team. We took the ferry over and then drove 5 hours down the the city. I won't go into detail about each day, but I will say that the team turned out to be pretty good, we even had a girl who's played for NZ! We lost our first game, then won 2 in a row, lost 1, and then won the 3-4 playoff game in penalties, so we got 3rd in the competition (of 7) and got medals to take home!! Playing that much soccer reminded me of the old days playing competitive soccer and I actually felt I improved so much jsut being around that much soccer again. Aside from the soccer the Uni Games is a huge piss-up, most of which I missed out on for several reasons. I was too poor to buy any drinks, I was too poor to stay in the backpackers with the others so I was staying at a girls' family's house, not so near town. I did have a good time though, interesting conversations with Laura, and making new friends and such.
Got back from that on Sat. night and had a game for my Uni team on Sunday. We won that game! The other team beat us all of last year, but we worked our butts off and actually did some passing and we won, it was really exciting.
Now I'm back at uni and such and I've got a cold, so I'm being kinda lazy and lying about in bed before my 3 indoor soccer games tonight. I want to start writing more about my thoughts and stuff, but I'm currently exhausted and think I'm going to take a nap instead. Next time.
Cheers

Oh my goodness, I have to rant and rave.
I finally used my voucher for a facial and massage that I got from Andy for christmas. Why did I wait so long!!! I could get addicted to doing that. I love being pampered. It makes me feel beautiful and important and cared for. Like, someone spending 45 minutes just rubbing my back and making me feel so nice was just amazing. I've had various sorts of massages ranging from random back rubs with friends to pretty nice massages in bed, and one semi-professional massage up at running camp, so I had an idea of what to expect. I kept thinking that at some point I'd get bored with having my back rubbed (I can get bored with pretty much anything if it last long enough) but I never did, it was just so nice the whole time. Then I got to flip over and have a facial. I really didnt know what to expect, the only exposure I've had to a facial is seeing them in movies when the character has a green face and cucumbers on their eyes. It was SO nice. Got a head massage and my face feels so unbelievably smooth and I actually feel almost beautiful. Imagine that. Me actually feeling beautiful sitting here on my own! Makes me wish I could afford to do that once a week or at least once a month, but for now my "extras" money is going towards getting my legs waxed to see if that makes my legs look any better or feel any better. Getting it done on thursday, so we'll see how it goes. Goin for the whole sh-bang too. Wheeee....
Ahh, really should go out to Pauatahanui, but I'm feeling so lazy and comfy that I think I'll do my library research and various other paperwork-type things that I can do at home.
I feel so niiiiiice.
In other news, I'm headed off to ChCh in a couple days, gonna go play lots of soccer. Might ask the parents for money cuz i really want a new pair of pants and a cheap pair of soccer cleats since mine tore a giant hole in them. meh
cheers bunny ears!!
(it's almost easter!!)