Well, 3.5 years on from September 2013....
(wow that's a long time)
Still livin' it up in my own house, on my own, with a very cute kitty cat.
Going back and reading the last few posts was very interesting. Earthquakes and discovering the joys of living alone...continuing in that theme...
We had another 'set' of earthquakes (Nov' 2016). The first was centred a long ways away, in Kaikoura (153km away (95 miles)), but it was a biggie. Measured at 7.8, it happened right around midnight. Read a couple posts ago and you'll find that I decided in the last quake that my bed is a pretty safe place. I got out of bed for this one, it was amazing. Shook for a bit then REALLY shook and I got up and started wandering around the house wondering when the glasses were going to start falling down and where exactly I should go to be safest when the walls gave out, since it felt very much like the whole thing was about to just give up and fall over.
Eventually the actual shaking stopped, I firstly emailed my mum, cuz I knew it would make their news and who knew if we were going to have power/phone etc. going forward. Fortunately it turned out that my house was all fine, but work was closed. In fact, most of Wellington was closed for at least a week. When I decided to go back into town, it was amazing at how empty it was. There were pictures of what Pastoral House looked like after the earthquake. It was just crazy, all the drawers flew out of their slots and everything fell off shelves and monitors fell over. Place was a mess. Plates everywhere. After a bajillion engineer reviews, they deemed the building safe to go back into, but decided that the top few floors had too much unsecured furniture and so they moved a bunch of people out. We ended up working out in Wallaceville for a few months.
You know, there's way too much to really catch up on.
I'm writing again cuz I'm full up of thoughts and I don't really know what to do. Not that I can really go into all the details, but I guess I felt the need for an outlet.
Saturday, July 08, 2017
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Rediscovery!
So it's now just me living in my own house. Well, me and the cat. Cutest cat on the planet, honestly, I'm not biased at all :P
It's been just me for a week and a half now and I'm starting to get used to it and even to enjoy it, although I do feel the need to find more things to keep myself busy. I think of all sorts of things I'd like to do and then spend a fair amount of time coming up with excuses to not do them. Pathetic, I know. Especially since I then sit there and rationalise my excuse-making by saying I'm still adjusting to being on my own etc... The human brain is amazing in its laziness sometimes!
I have been enjoying cooking slightly random meals and having a glass or two of wine or cider with my dinner with no sideways look or feeling that I'm being selfish or hypocritical for doing so. I also have found that I want to post lots of things on facebook. I don't think this is actually what I want, but I think of things that I want to say to people, but nobody to say them to. I didn't really have anyone to say them to before either, but it seems much more obvious now. The cat is lovely to talk to and to watch (especially when she's after a fly), but doesn't answer or give me advice or even really pay attention to the fact that I'm speaking...I also don't think it's anything to do with being lonely, I just like to talk sometimes.
My bus stop friend (I really need to learn her name at some point) has been telling me about the virtues of having a student stay at my place for 3-6 months. These foreign students apparently will come in and do their own thing for food, I basically just need to provide accomodation and they pay me. I like the idea of a little more income and financial relaxation, but at the moment I'm enjoying having my own space too much. I mean, I organised the magazines on the coffee table and they will STAY that way! It's just so ridiculously amazing to have things remain tidy and clean and...yeah.
I'm headed off to Greece in a little over a week. I can't wait to get out on the boat and just relax. I'm sure at some point I'll find myself thinking I'm bored...I might take a notebook with me and see what I can write while I've got the time. I have conversations with people during my day to day life that make me think I could actually write a semi-interesting quasi-fictional autobiography. Or at least that I could write something that allows me to go back in my mind someday and remember all the things that have made me who I am.
I've also discovered that I still seem to struggle with deciphering peoples' intentions. It seems I just can't get it right. A friend who seems entirely harmless and disinterested tries to get something from me...someone who seemed interested in me probably never was, and I'm afraid to be friendly in fear that I will lead someone on and not be able to say 'but i have a boyfriend' as an excuse to run away from whatever mess I may have inadvertently created. What is wrong with me?! Why is it so complicated that I feel like I can't just relax and have fun and be nice...
I started my 6-month secondment at Maritime New Zealand 2.5 weeks ago. It's very, very different to what I was used to at Fish/MPI. Firstly, I'm not really part of a team. Secondly, I report directly to a fairly high level manager. Thirdly, she hasn't really spoken to me since I started. I'm meant to be writing a process and a policy, but I really don't understand why it's going to take me 6 months to write them...I've started on the process and I have NO CLUE if I'm even on the right path, but I have my first meeting with Ms. Manager tomorrow so I guess I'll find out! I mean, I can kinda figure things out myself and do my own work but it helps when there's SOME kind of guidance! Anyway...living and learning and all of that :)
It's been just me for a week and a half now and I'm starting to get used to it and even to enjoy it, although I do feel the need to find more things to keep myself busy. I think of all sorts of things I'd like to do and then spend a fair amount of time coming up with excuses to not do them. Pathetic, I know. Especially since I then sit there and rationalise my excuse-making by saying I'm still adjusting to being on my own etc... The human brain is amazing in its laziness sometimes!
I have been enjoying cooking slightly random meals and having a glass or two of wine or cider with my dinner with no sideways look or feeling that I'm being selfish or hypocritical for doing so. I also have found that I want to post lots of things on facebook. I don't think this is actually what I want, but I think of things that I want to say to people, but nobody to say them to. I didn't really have anyone to say them to before either, but it seems much more obvious now. The cat is lovely to talk to and to watch (especially when she's after a fly), but doesn't answer or give me advice or even really pay attention to the fact that I'm speaking...I also don't think it's anything to do with being lonely, I just like to talk sometimes.
My bus stop friend (I really need to learn her name at some point) has been telling me about the virtues of having a student stay at my place for 3-6 months. These foreign students apparently will come in and do their own thing for food, I basically just need to provide accomodation and they pay me. I like the idea of a little more income and financial relaxation, but at the moment I'm enjoying having my own space too much. I mean, I organised the magazines on the coffee table and they will STAY that way! It's just so ridiculously amazing to have things remain tidy and clean and...yeah.
I'm headed off to Greece in a little over a week. I can't wait to get out on the boat and just relax. I'm sure at some point I'll find myself thinking I'm bored...I might take a notebook with me and see what I can write while I've got the time. I have conversations with people during my day to day life that make me think I could actually write a semi-interesting quasi-fictional autobiography. Or at least that I could write something that allows me to go back in my mind someday and remember all the things that have made me who I am.
I've also discovered that I still seem to struggle with deciphering peoples' intentions. It seems I just can't get it right. A friend who seems entirely harmless and disinterested tries to get something from me...someone who seemed interested in me probably never was, and I'm afraid to be friendly in fear that I will lead someone on and not be able to say 'but i have a boyfriend' as an excuse to run away from whatever mess I may have inadvertently created. What is wrong with me?! Why is it so complicated that I feel like I can't just relax and have fun and be nice...
I started my 6-month secondment at Maritime New Zealand 2.5 weeks ago. It's very, very different to what I was used to at Fish/MPI. Firstly, I'm not really part of a team. Secondly, I report directly to a fairly high level manager. Thirdly, she hasn't really spoken to me since I started. I'm meant to be writing a process and a policy, but I really don't understand why it's going to take me 6 months to write them...I've started on the process and I have NO CLUE if I'm even on the right path, but I have my first meeting with Ms. Manager tomorrow so I guess I'll find out! I mean, I can kinda figure things out myself and do my own work but it helps when there's SOME kind of guidance! Anyway...living and learning and all of that :)
Friday, August 16, 2013
shaky business
Firstly, earthquakes. I live in Wellington, New Zealand. We live in an area that has earthquake faults etc... we have been having a lot of earthquakes lately. The first 'set' of them was about a month ago when we had a 5.7 on a Friday, a 5.6 on the Sunday morning and a 6.5 on Sunday evening at about 5:30pm. The Friday quake I was at work. I work on level 16 of a pretty big building in the Wellington CBD. That building swayed pretty good, but I never felt panicked, and I know that they say you should get under your desk, and I was in the position to, I never did actually get there, it never felt that severe. The Sunday morning quake I was in bed, and while the house moved a bit, I just stayed in bed. I figure my house is made of wood, the worst that could happen when I'm home is that I could fall through the floor and/or the ceiling could fall on me. Either way it's just wood and unlikely to kill me. The Sunday evening quake, the biggest, I was at the ASB Sports Stadium watching NZ Futsal lose to Australia. Middle of the game the whole place started shaking. I have no idea what the players did, but I know that about half of the spectators thought it would be smart to run off the stands and try to get outside. The ASB Stadium is BRAND NEW. Probably one of the safest places in Wellington as long as there's no tsunami (which there wasn't). So I just sat there and told all my friends to just stay put. There was a lot of movement and quite a few aftershocks but the game eventually restarted and everyone just got on with life.
Today, we had another uh, set?, of earthquakes. Sitting at work, writing an email to some guy who wants to know about deepwater crabs, we start feeling the earthquake motion. Level 16 gets a pretty good sway on in even moderate quakes. This one swayed for a bit and then it was almost like 'kabloom', a completely massive shudder that had EVERYONE under their desks instantly. The adrenaline rush probably was more that what you would get from base-jumping or any of those things since you have no idea what's actually going on and you know that at almost any moment the ground could just give up, or shift by a couple of metres... I've felt a fair number of quakes in my time, there was the '89 Loma Prieta earthquake in San Fran, another big one when I was in Berkeley at the rec centre (those buildings on rollers are safe, but man, they move a lot in a quake!), and then there have been a lot since I came to Wellington. We've had a few smallish ones, but these last few weeks have been pretty intense. I mean, I'd only just stopped feeling 'fake-quakes', where my sense of motion feels a quake that isn't happening. And of course, it'll start again now.
At the end of the day, everyone is safe, my house is ok, everyone I know is ok, there isn't really much to complain about. I think my thoughts on the various reactions to earthquakes may require an entirely separate post at some point, as reactions are varied and can make for very interesting 'people studies'. I don't get that upset by them, by most things really, but I will say that today I sat under my desk thinking that it would be good protection WHEN (not if) the ceiling panels started falling (they didn't) and realising that if the building collapsed the desk over my head was completely useless.
Earthquakes make us think about what is important to us. Everyone around me called or was called by those that are important to them. I emailed my parents, just in case we managed to make the US news...otherwise I was pretty much on my own. In my own head I had people that I cared about, but I knew that they were more concerned about others. I mean, in all honesty (and not to be emo or sound depressing), but if an earthquake, if I was to be squashed...other than my parents, who would really notice? or care? Scotty asked if the cat was ok (how the fuck should i know...), my work colleagues were all there so they knew I was ok... and one other person texted to ask if I was ok, a couple hours after it. I mean, I get it. Nobody really loves me in the way that they would be automaticaly thinking about me in an emergency, that's fine. It's still a bit lonely. And if I was to be honest, it's the regular aftershocks and the constant 'fake-quake' feeling that gets me the most.
Earthquake rant over.
Today, we had another uh, set?, of earthquakes. Sitting at work, writing an email to some guy who wants to know about deepwater crabs, we start feeling the earthquake motion. Level 16 gets a pretty good sway on in even moderate quakes. This one swayed for a bit and then it was almost like 'kabloom', a completely massive shudder that had EVERYONE under their desks instantly. The adrenaline rush probably was more that what you would get from base-jumping or any of those things since you have no idea what's actually going on and you know that at almost any moment the ground could just give up, or shift by a couple of metres... I've felt a fair number of quakes in my time, there was the '89 Loma Prieta earthquake in San Fran, another big one when I was in Berkeley at the rec centre (those buildings on rollers are safe, but man, they move a lot in a quake!), and then there have been a lot since I came to Wellington. We've had a few smallish ones, but these last few weeks have been pretty intense. I mean, I'd only just stopped feeling 'fake-quakes', where my sense of motion feels a quake that isn't happening. And of course, it'll start again now.
At the end of the day, everyone is safe, my house is ok, everyone I know is ok, there isn't really much to complain about. I think my thoughts on the various reactions to earthquakes may require an entirely separate post at some point, as reactions are varied and can make for very interesting 'people studies'. I don't get that upset by them, by most things really, but I will say that today I sat under my desk thinking that it would be good protection WHEN (not if) the ceiling panels started falling (they didn't) and realising that if the building collapsed the desk over my head was completely useless.
Earthquakes make us think about what is important to us. Everyone around me called or was called by those that are important to them. I emailed my parents, just in case we managed to make the US news...otherwise I was pretty much on my own. In my own head I had people that I cared about, but I knew that they were more concerned about others. I mean, in all honesty (and not to be emo or sound depressing), but if an earthquake, if I was to be squashed...other than my parents, who would really notice? or care? Scotty asked if the cat was ok (how the fuck should i know...), my work colleagues were all there so they knew I was ok... and one other person texted to ask if I was ok, a couple hours after it. I mean, I get it. Nobody really loves me in the way that they would be automaticaly thinking about me in an emergency, that's fine. It's still a bit lonely. And if I was to be honest, it's the regular aftershocks and the constant 'fake-quake' feeling that gets me the most.
Earthquake rant over.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
i had a good night tonight, although I really did wonder at some points why we do all of this! I mean, honestly, why do we go out and drink until our inhibitions are lowered. Then we are relatively honest with our opinions and start to see who we each really are. Why are we not just ourselves without having to spend $$ on alcohol or buy the drinks to relax ourselves into honesty?
It doesn't seem to matter how I look at it, it just seems so ridiculous that we require alcohol to be honest. Are we really such bad or judgmental or sensitive people that we can't just be honest straight-up? I mean, I get that some things are better left unsaid and that it is not always prudent to the the truth or even part of the truth but sometimes the world would be such a better place if we all just said what we thought right from the get-go.
For someone that values honesty above nearly anything else, it still surprises me that I am capable of trusting people in a society like ours, where non-truth seems to be the norm and honesty is frowned upon as being abrasive or confrontational. Wtf are we, pathetic children too ashamed of who and what we are to admit the simplest truths to ourselves?
As far as I can tell from other people's treatment and reactions to me, I am a semi-attractive, semi-intelligent person who can provide good company (and a decent time in the sack) who still seems to only attract less than ideal men and has never felt very confident in myself. If you dig into detail here, I have never been told why I'm not 'dating material' by any man, nor have I ever (to my memory) maintained any interest from a man who actually has his own life on track and treats me how I deserve. Now, I am not a very self-confident person, however, in the privacy of an online blog...I do actually believe that I am attractive. I believe that my body is petite, sexy and tight, and I am proportioned nicely. My face isn't perfect, but I don't look like a troll and even I am relatively certain that I am above average generally in appearance. I am not a dumb person, in fact, if someone were to dig much into my psyche, I believe they would find a surprising arrogance there. I try very hard to hide this, although I do not pretend to be dumb.
We all have our flaws, I just wish I knew what mine were. I'm not desperate in any way, but I wish I knew what I could work on that might actually make me tenable for a decent man...I'm pretty certain that I am a 'good' enough person to deserve it. Possibly even over-'good'...who knows.
It doesn't seem to matter how I look at it, it just seems so ridiculous that we require alcohol to be honest. Are we really such bad or judgmental or sensitive people that we can't just be honest straight-up? I mean, I get that some things are better left unsaid and that it is not always prudent to the the truth or even part of the truth but sometimes the world would be such a better place if we all just said what we thought right from the get-go.
For someone that values honesty above nearly anything else, it still surprises me that I am capable of trusting people in a society like ours, where non-truth seems to be the norm and honesty is frowned upon as being abrasive or confrontational. Wtf are we, pathetic children too ashamed of who and what we are to admit the simplest truths to ourselves?
As far as I can tell from other people's treatment and reactions to me, I am a semi-attractive, semi-intelligent person who can provide good company (and a decent time in the sack) who still seems to only attract less than ideal men and has never felt very confident in myself. If you dig into detail here, I have never been told why I'm not 'dating material' by any man, nor have I ever (to my memory) maintained any interest from a man who actually has his own life on track and treats me how I deserve. Now, I am not a very self-confident person, however, in the privacy of an online blog...I do actually believe that I am attractive. I believe that my body is petite, sexy and tight, and I am proportioned nicely. My face isn't perfect, but I don't look like a troll and even I am relatively certain that I am above average generally in appearance. I am not a dumb person, in fact, if someone were to dig much into my psyche, I believe they would find a surprising arrogance there. I try very hard to hide this, although I do not pretend to be dumb.
We all have our flaws, I just wish I knew what mine were. I'm not desperate in any way, but I wish I knew what I could work on that might actually make me tenable for a decent man...I'm pretty certain that I am a 'good' enough person to deserve it. Possibly even over-'good'...who knows.
Monday, July 15, 2013
I've gotten lost! In all of the looking after someone else and being stoic and supportive and always trying to do the best thing for someone else I've completely forgotten what it feels like to be passionate. I don't mean that I've just put someone else first, I mean that I've forgotten how it feels to have that desire, that feeling in your chest that you get, or the shit-eating grin that you can't wipe off because you realise that you can enjoy to the fullest whatever it is that you are doing.
I was just lying here kind of thinking about the things I'd like to do in the coming months. I was thinking about going to a friend's birthday party that's on friday night. I was trying to think through what they would all think of me turning up to possibly the first social event I've attended in about a year. Then I started thinking back through all the memories I have with them and wondered if I would ever get back there again. Then I realised that I had so much fun with them because I was able to relax and just enjoy. I don't think I've been able to do that at all for the last year. Not even for a minute. Not saying that I'll quite be there yet on Friday night, but that's my goal. To be able to simply enjoy something for me. My thinking about the party and my friends then got me thinking about snowboarding. I haven't enjoyed it very much the last few times I've been up. I've been afraid and cautious and that's not how you snowboard!! I mean, the whole point of it is to be free and enjoy yourself. Yes, you might fall and it might hurt but you're not actually enjoying it or experiencing it properly if you're holding yourself back being afraid all the time.
It's just that feeling. Enjoying something so much that it's evident on your face that there is nowhere else you would rather be. Forgetting everything else that is on your mind and simply living in and enjoying that particular moment. That's how we're meant to live! Yes, work is different, but at the same time, even at work, the same attention and passion should be given to everything. If you can't devote any feeling or effort towards your work, you're in the wrong job. Obviously I am talking about the non-work stuff here. I haven't enjoyed my football this season and as a result I've been playing like crap. I've been afraid of what people think of me or say about me behind my back. Who cares!?!?! If I play like I can and just stop worrying then I will enjoy it and it will feel good. Instead of coming home and sitting around like a lump, I should go to pilates...I should try to get out sailing, pick up my instruments and remind myself what it feels like to lose yourself in the emotion of a piece of music. And get a piano so that I can enjoy that as well.
I guess maybe I'm just missing balance. I haven't done anything for my own enjoyment in far too long, and even the things I have done for me have been clouded, detracted from, and simply made less than they should be by my state of mind and the things that have been going on.
Enough! I am an intelligent, attractive, mature, thoughtful, perceptive, and sometimes slightly emotional person. I don't know why I let imbeciles make me doubt myself and my worth, but I'm done with that. I know who I am, what I am capable of and what I deserve.
I control my life. I need to remember that and be in control.
Go me!
ka kite
I was just lying here kind of thinking about the things I'd like to do in the coming months. I was thinking about going to a friend's birthday party that's on friday night. I was trying to think through what they would all think of me turning up to possibly the first social event I've attended in about a year. Then I started thinking back through all the memories I have with them and wondered if I would ever get back there again. Then I realised that I had so much fun with them because I was able to relax and just enjoy. I don't think I've been able to do that at all for the last year. Not even for a minute. Not saying that I'll quite be there yet on Friday night, but that's my goal. To be able to simply enjoy something for me. My thinking about the party and my friends then got me thinking about snowboarding. I haven't enjoyed it very much the last few times I've been up. I've been afraid and cautious and that's not how you snowboard!! I mean, the whole point of it is to be free and enjoy yourself. Yes, you might fall and it might hurt but you're not actually enjoying it or experiencing it properly if you're holding yourself back being afraid all the time.
It's just that feeling. Enjoying something so much that it's evident on your face that there is nowhere else you would rather be. Forgetting everything else that is on your mind and simply living in and enjoying that particular moment. That's how we're meant to live! Yes, work is different, but at the same time, even at work, the same attention and passion should be given to everything. If you can't devote any feeling or effort towards your work, you're in the wrong job. Obviously I am talking about the non-work stuff here. I haven't enjoyed my football this season and as a result I've been playing like crap. I've been afraid of what people think of me or say about me behind my back. Who cares!?!?! If I play like I can and just stop worrying then I will enjoy it and it will feel good. Instead of coming home and sitting around like a lump, I should go to pilates...I should try to get out sailing, pick up my instruments and remind myself what it feels like to lose yourself in the emotion of a piece of music. And get a piano so that I can enjoy that as well.
I guess maybe I'm just missing balance. I haven't done anything for my own enjoyment in far too long, and even the things I have done for me have been clouded, detracted from, and simply made less than they should be by my state of mind and the things that have been going on.
Enough! I am an intelligent, attractive, mature, thoughtful, perceptive, and sometimes slightly emotional person. I don't know why I let imbeciles make me doubt myself and my worth, but I'm done with that. I know who I am, what I am capable of and what I deserve.
I control my life. I need to remember that and be in control.
Go me!
ka kite
Friday, July 12, 2013
Pretty good night, especially by my standards. We had our Toastmasters awards dinner tonight and since i was president last year i had to do the awards presentations and the thank you-type speech. it went way better than expected, especially after all my running about after trophies and trying to decide who would get what award etc...went for a few afterwards with some of our members. it was pretty awesome actually, grown up conversation, a few laughs, some genuinely interesting conversation...nobody too drunk and me not really feeling tipsy at all having just gotten home. score: me 1 - history 0
on a side note, i am going to tell a current story in my life that i find very ironic. please don't think i'm complaining or being emo or trying to induce guilty or anything like that, i simply find it ironic and i would be amused if anyone else felt similarly after reading it. i have had a friend recently who keeps telling me i need to be positive about myself and more self-confident and how if i am positive and such then i'll get things that i want and deserve. i also tend to not like my appearance. i have never really found myself attractive and always kind of assumed i needed to maintain perspective and a 'real' personality if i ever was going to have a chance of finding a good guy. anyways (i really should've noticed this earlier in life), the same person who says i should be confident and i will get want i want...wants me. but only really sex with me. the irony is that i always thought i would have to rely on my personality to get my anything and now this person doesnt want my personality, just my vag. i'm right in saying that's ironic, right?
Thursday, July 11, 2013
so.....it's been nearly 2 years since i last wrote something here. I'm just finding at the moment that it would be really nice to have a wee outlet for some things and while I would never trust a blog to keep my secrets I think I can at least rant a bit without being judged in the same way.
First, a bit of an update. In July 2012 I bought a house in Newlands, moved in August 2012. I find home ownership very stressful, but also something I really enjoy. If I want to poke a nail into my wall I can do so!! (of course, I also have to fix it if I screw it up!) Had a lot to do on the place when I moved in, first up was a new roof and gutters. Also re-did the bathroom including removing the old shower and installing a new one. My parents are awesome and came to visit in November and helped SO SO much, both physically and financially. With their help I was able to sort out the garden (it's pretty big), completely replace the kitchen!!!, put a new floor in the bathroom, and my dad built me some new stairs to the downstairs area. they're beautiful!! needless to say, there's still more work to be done and i've been horribly lazy and not really gotten to it. more on that in later posts i suspect :)
Work has been going well for me. I'm still in the same job although it's now at the Ministry for Primary Industries, a much larger organisation. I'm still enjoying it and working hard as always to get more responsibility, more recognition and a bigger paycheck ;) been working a lot recently on our National strategy for sharks. I really like sharks so I've found that work very interesting, rewarding, and a great learning experience, as it's pretty complicated and seems to make everyone very opinionated!
Soccer is...well....it pretty much just is at the moment. I did an intense pre-season with a boys team, but i think it was a bit too intense and i got really sore heels and heel pain so I had to back off. Means that I ended up getting into the start of the season not really feeling fit at all. We also have a coach who is too busy to plan sessions and so they're always unorganised and very un-intense. Makes it hard to get the training I really need and it's been showing in my Sunday games. That said, we're in 3rd in the league and managed to knock the top of the table team (Massey) out of the National Cup, so we're not too bad! I'm just not at the standard I would like to be at.
And I've recently become single again, my own doing and possibly one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I've been seeing someone for over 2 years now and he had pretty much become dependent on me. No matter what I said to him, he never saved any money, never really paid any rent or helped with bills but had enough to play golf...the money side of it was frustrating and not very fair, but at the end of the day it wasn't what prompted my decision. That was because I realised that I did not want to have and/or raise children with this person. It sounds so harsh, but no matter how much someone can make you laugh, if you have completely different attitudes towards life and manners and how to treat people, it's not going to work. I found that every night I would get home and we'd sit in front of the TV, he'd constantly be texting and I'd just be sitting there, wishing I wasn't. Combine that with the lack of respect for the things that I worked so hard to earn, constantly tidying up after him, supporting him financially, and wanting to get out of the house I just realised it was time for me to look after me. Of course, now he can't really stay in NZ legally (he's not a kiwi), has literally almost NO money, and seems dead set on moving to Ireland. So in his view, I'm a) forcing him to leave NZ, b) forcing him to go live in a homeless shelter and c)ruining his life. oh, and not to mention that i'm awful for not wanting him anymore.
I'm really really bad at dealing with guilt. Like really bad. But as I've done one time previous to this, I've become impervious to it. I think when you reach the point that you think it would be better for someone to go live in a homeless shelter it really is time...
Of course, now I'm old and single with a house of my own, a job that I like, maybe some friends if I can dust off my old relationships...there's someone out there for me somewhere, right?
Anyways, I only just remembered I had this and I thought maybe I'd try to get back into it now that I might have a bit of time on my hands :)
ka kite
First, a bit of an update. In July 2012 I bought a house in Newlands, moved in August 2012. I find home ownership very stressful, but also something I really enjoy. If I want to poke a nail into my wall I can do so!! (of course, I also have to fix it if I screw it up!) Had a lot to do on the place when I moved in, first up was a new roof and gutters. Also re-did the bathroom including removing the old shower and installing a new one. My parents are awesome and came to visit in November and helped SO SO much, both physically and financially. With their help I was able to sort out the garden (it's pretty big), completely replace the kitchen!!!, put a new floor in the bathroom, and my dad built me some new stairs to the downstairs area. they're beautiful!! needless to say, there's still more work to be done and i've been horribly lazy and not really gotten to it. more on that in later posts i suspect :)
Work has been going well for me. I'm still in the same job although it's now at the Ministry for Primary Industries, a much larger organisation. I'm still enjoying it and working hard as always to get more responsibility, more recognition and a bigger paycheck ;) been working a lot recently on our National strategy for sharks. I really like sharks so I've found that work very interesting, rewarding, and a great learning experience, as it's pretty complicated and seems to make everyone very opinionated!
Soccer is...well....it pretty much just is at the moment. I did an intense pre-season with a boys team, but i think it was a bit too intense and i got really sore heels and heel pain so I had to back off. Means that I ended up getting into the start of the season not really feeling fit at all. We also have a coach who is too busy to plan sessions and so they're always unorganised and very un-intense. Makes it hard to get the training I really need and it's been showing in my Sunday games. That said, we're in 3rd in the league and managed to knock the top of the table team (Massey) out of the National Cup, so we're not too bad! I'm just not at the standard I would like to be at.
And I've recently become single again, my own doing and possibly one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I've been seeing someone for over 2 years now and he had pretty much become dependent on me. No matter what I said to him, he never saved any money, never really paid any rent or helped with bills but had enough to play golf...the money side of it was frustrating and not very fair, but at the end of the day it wasn't what prompted my decision. That was because I realised that I did not want to have and/or raise children with this person. It sounds so harsh, but no matter how much someone can make you laugh, if you have completely different attitudes towards life and manners and how to treat people, it's not going to work. I found that every night I would get home and we'd sit in front of the TV, he'd constantly be texting and I'd just be sitting there, wishing I wasn't. Combine that with the lack of respect for the things that I worked so hard to earn, constantly tidying up after him, supporting him financially, and wanting to get out of the house I just realised it was time for me to look after me. Of course, now he can't really stay in NZ legally (he's not a kiwi), has literally almost NO money, and seems dead set on moving to Ireland. So in his view, I'm a) forcing him to leave NZ, b) forcing him to go live in a homeless shelter and c)ruining his life. oh, and not to mention that i'm awful for not wanting him anymore.
I'm really really bad at dealing with guilt. Like really bad. But as I've done one time previous to this, I've become impervious to it. I think when you reach the point that you think it would be better for someone to go live in a homeless shelter it really is time...
Of course, now I'm old and single with a house of my own, a job that I like, maybe some friends if I can dust off my old relationships...there's someone out there for me somewhere, right?
Anyways, I only just remembered I had this and I thought maybe I'd try to get back into it now that I might have a bit of time on my hands :)
ka kite
Monday, January 02, 2012
Haha. I had assumed that when i was convalescing after my surgery I would find time to ramble on in my blog again. Obviously, that didn't quite turn out to be the case... I think that's partially because the internet doesn't work in my bedroom and partially because i didn't really have anything to say other than 'i'm bored' and 'fuck this hurts'...On a side note, i'm still torn as to whether or not i would recommend that surgery. i think i probably would for someone who was feeling as i was, but they need to be fully warned that its a bit of a long road back, no matter how fit and 'quick rebounder' the person is. (that said, i surprised my surgeon with my progress after 2.5 weeks so maybe i'm just impatient)
update on that. The surgery went well. The surgeon was able to remove the whole fibroid (~7 cm), although he had some issues as apparently when he tried to cut it into pieces to remove it, it was too 'squishy' and didn't really cut. Turned what is normally a 1.5 hour procedure into a 5 hour one, but in the end it all came out and the only real complication was two of the incisions being a bit bigger than they would've been otherwise. I healed up ok, got a little ambitious at one point and had to confine myself to bedrest for 3 days after that, but by the time I was meant to go on my Caribbean vacation I was all good to go :) The ab muscles were essentially nonexistant and I wasn't very flexible, but I was certainly keen to get back into it.
The Caribbean trip was awesome. Sun, sand, snorkeling, swimming, chillin on a sailboat, beers or rum punch every evening. Really couldn't have asked for more!! The swimming gave me a bit of confidence in how I was, physically. As usual, it was awesome to see my family, especially with my cousin and his fiance around for a while I wasn't the only 'young one'. They left a week early and it actually got a bit more comfortable then. Perhaps I'm ageing beyond my time :P
I got back from the trip and made some tough decisions and then went off (to test my fitness or something) to three days of kick-arounds and soccer games. Needless to say, I was in agony after it all, but, fotunatley, it was my pathetically out of shape legs that gave me all the pain and everything in the region of the surgery seemed to be pretty set to go!!
Couple days later I went off to Australia for Xmas. It was awesome, an orphans Xmas (of sorts) with Kelly's brother in Sydney. The food was amazing, the drinks were flowing, and the people were amazing. Everyone was so nice and just so relaxed and chill about having fun and just enjoying things. Not something you find everyday! I had an awesome trip that involved a LOT of walking around, lots of beaches, tanning, sun and fun. I was sad when it ended, and I would love to go back someday!
Cue current situation. Trying to get back in shape in time for pre-season. I've been doing sessions, I'm so unfit it drives me nuts. Every time I feel like I should be able to handle more than I'm doing and yet I'm dying while I'm doing it, which indicates there really isn't much more I could do. I figure that I'll keep doing the running as I am and will hit the gym pretty hard out to get the muscles in better shape. They require slightly less oxygen when they're in good nick and at the moment it's the breathing getting me, so i'll build up some bulky muscles and then i'll be able to build up the cardio through the running sessions. It's SO frustrating tho!!! I did a session the other day that was a 600m-400m-200m-400m-600m. That was the entire session and I was just SO slow. I mean, I swear in high school I did 3x 800m at 3:00 and it was a piece of cake. This session I did the 600m at 2:30 and I felt like I was gonna die!! And a 400 at 1:40, seriously?!?!?!! I nearly had a full-on break down at the track cuz it just felt so pathetically slow and there was nothing I could do about it. Well, not at that moment.
Now I'm doing something. I did another session today that was pathetically below my standards, but I hit the gym afterwards to do weights, squats and a kick-ass core session. Hopefully if I combine the killer fitness sessions (working cardio, not much muscle...) with the gym (working the muscles) I'll be back to fighting fit in a few weeks and not be the "5th or 6th fittest person on the team" this season. I don't think my new coach realises just how competitive I am. I have never been that low on the fitness scale on a team and I think that it's because of how I compete, not because I'm actually just that naturally fit. Does mean that I have to get my ass in gear before pre-season tho, otherwise his prediction will be right. And his prediction is based on him watching me for a year!!! Fuck that!! I can ask and expect great things of myself when I'm pushed.
That said, this is the first time I've really done proper fitness sessions on my own and I have to say that it is so hard that I absolutely love it. If you can push yourself to exhaustion when you're on your own, you know that you can probably go about 20-30% further when there are other people. Well, at least I know that. Meaning that with another 2 weeks under my belt I'll be ready to go for pre-season. I just have to keep pushing myself!
Back to work on wednesday. Yay.
Been struggling with a lot of my own negativity lately, kinda scares me. I don't want to go down that road at all and at the moment I'm not being pushed there, I'm just doing it on my own. I do think a lot of it revolves around what went on in my relationship last year, but I don't want to make excuses, I just need to work harder on always being positive and seeing the good bits of everything.
My hair is turning grey. It's sad :P Going to impose a bit of "blonde" dye on it shortly.... :)
Sorry for the long post and the delay in posting. I think I post on here for me, but no matter how many times I tell myself that, there's always that wish that SOMEONE would read my stream of consciousness ramblings.
ka kite
update on that. The surgery went well. The surgeon was able to remove the whole fibroid (~7 cm), although he had some issues as apparently when he tried to cut it into pieces to remove it, it was too 'squishy' and didn't really cut. Turned what is normally a 1.5 hour procedure into a 5 hour one, but in the end it all came out and the only real complication was two of the incisions being a bit bigger than they would've been otherwise. I healed up ok, got a little ambitious at one point and had to confine myself to bedrest for 3 days after that, but by the time I was meant to go on my Caribbean vacation I was all good to go :) The ab muscles were essentially nonexistant and I wasn't very flexible, but I was certainly keen to get back into it.
The Caribbean trip was awesome. Sun, sand, snorkeling, swimming, chillin on a sailboat, beers or rum punch every evening. Really couldn't have asked for more!! The swimming gave me a bit of confidence in how I was, physically. As usual, it was awesome to see my family, especially with my cousin and his fiance around for a while I wasn't the only 'young one'. They left a week early and it actually got a bit more comfortable then. Perhaps I'm ageing beyond my time :P
I got back from the trip and made some tough decisions and then went off (to test my fitness or something) to three days of kick-arounds and soccer games. Needless to say, I was in agony after it all, but, fotunatley, it was my pathetically out of shape legs that gave me all the pain and everything in the region of the surgery seemed to be pretty set to go!!
Couple days later I went off to Australia for Xmas. It was awesome, an orphans Xmas (of sorts) with Kelly's brother in Sydney. The food was amazing, the drinks were flowing, and the people were amazing. Everyone was so nice and just so relaxed and chill about having fun and just enjoying things. Not something you find everyday! I had an awesome trip that involved a LOT of walking around, lots of beaches, tanning, sun and fun. I was sad when it ended, and I would love to go back someday!
Cue current situation. Trying to get back in shape in time for pre-season. I've been doing sessions, I'm so unfit it drives me nuts. Every time I feel like I should be able to handle more than I'm doing and yet I'm dying while I'm doing it, which indicates there really isn't much more I could do. I figure that I'll keep doing the running as I am and will hit the gym pretty hard out to get the muscles in better shape. They require slightly less oxygen when they're in good nick and at the moment it's the breathing getting me, so i'll build up some bulky muscles and then i'll be able to build up the cardio through the running sessions. It's SO frustrating tho!!! I did a session the other day that was a 600m-400m-200m-400m-600m. That was the entire session and I was just SO slow. I mean, I swear in high school I did 3x 800m at 3:00 and it was a piece of cake. This session I did the 600m at 2:30 and I felt like I was gonna die!! And a 400 at 1:40, seriously?!?!?!! I nearly had a full-on break down at the track cuz it just felt so pathetically slow and there was nothing I could do about it. Well, not at that moment.
Now I'm doing something. I did another session today that was pathetically below my standards, but I hit the gym afterwards to do weights, squats and a kick-ass core session. Hopefully if I combine the killer fitness sessions (working cardio, not much muscle...) with the gym (working the muscles) I'll be back to fighting fit in a few weeks and not be the "5th or 6th fittest person on the team" this season. I don't think my new coach realises just how competitive I am. I have never been that low on the fitness scale on a team and I think that it's because of how I compete, not because I'm actually just that naturally fit. Does mean that I have to get my ass in gear before pre-season tho, otherwise his prediction will be right. And his prediction is based on him watching me for a year!!! Fuck that!! I can ask and expect great things of myself when I'm pushed.
That said, this is the first time I've really done proper fitness sessions on my own and I have to say that it is so hard that I absolutely love it. If you can push yourself to exhaustion when you're on your own, you know that you can probably go about 20-30% further when there are other people. Well, at least I know that. Meaning that with another 2 weeks under my belt I'll be ready to go for pre-season. I just have to keep pushing myself!
Back to work on wednesday. Yay.
Been struggling with a lot of my own negativity lately, kinda scares me. I don't want to go down that road at all and at the moment I'm not being pushed there, I'm just doing it on my own. I do think a lot of it revolves around what went on in my relationship last year, but I don't want to make excuses, I just need to work harder on always being positive and seeing the good bits of everything.
My hair is turning grey. It's sad :P Going to impose a bit of "blonde" dye on it shortly.... :)
Sorry for the long post and the delay in posting. I think I post on here for me, but no matter how many times I tell myself that, there's always that wish that SOMEONE would read my stream of consciousness ramblings.
ka kite
Monday, October 24, 2011
Survived the futsal tournament. Was an incredibly frustrating weekend, lost the first game to a team that was nowhere near as good as us. Then Karori stacked their team and beat us so we ended up 3rd in our pool which meant we couldn't win the tournament. We did manage to win the "Plate" which is 5th place, but we got a cup for it so I can't complain too much. I do have to say that the way the tournament was set up had some flaws, one pool was easy and the other had what was probably the top 4 teams in the tournament. Was just a bit weird. I played pretty well, got lots of time on the court and definitely have the sore legs to prove it!
I'm getting nervous about the surgery. I think that being stressed about it makes it worse cuz I'm really sore today and I'd love for someone to be around to distract me or give me a hug or something, but there is nobody. Flatmates are all away. "Bf" is too busy. Oh well, c'est la vie.
The All Blacks won the world cup last night. It was definitely one of those nights that will be remembered for a very long time. The whole last 25 mins were heart-attack inducing and SO stressful, but the hugs and cheers and yelling and singing and dancing when they finally kicked the ball out to end the game were amazing. that feeling!!!
oh well, i keep hoping that magic is going to fix things for me but that's not going to happen and i'm really worried that it's going to get messy. oh well!
i'm all planned to be busy right up to the surgery, which is fantastic cuz it gives me less time to think!! tomorrow is work then indoor then horror movie! wed i'm up in auckland and get back in around 7pm, which means i'll get home in time to make some dinner and do a final tidy up to make sure that i know where everything is before i head off. then thursday morning its off to new world to buy a whole lot of pre-made frozen and easy microwave meals so that i don't starve to death if i get stuck! then admission time is noon, which means an 11:15 bus unless there's some amazing miracle and dedication from someone.
right, thought piece done. catchya.
I'm getting nervous about the surgery. I think that being stressed about it makes it worse cuz I'm really sore today and I'd love for someone to be around to distract me or give me a hug or something, but there is nobody. Flatmates are all away. "Bf" is too busy. Oh well, c'est la vie.
The All Blacks won the world cup last night. It was definitely one of those nights that will be remembered for a very long time. The whole last 25 mins were heart-attack inducing and SO stressful, but the hugs and cheers and yelling and singing and dancing when they finally kicked the ball out to end the game were amazing. that feeling!!!
oh well, i keep hoping that magic is going to fix things for me but that's not going to happen and i'm really worried that it's going to get messy. oh well!
i'm all planned to be busy right up to the surgery, which is fantastic cuz it gives me less time to think!! tomorrow is work then indoor then horror movie! wed i'm up in auckland and get back in around 7pm, which means i'll get home in time to make some dinner and do a final tidy up to make sure that i know where everything is before i head off. then thursday morning its off to new world to buy a whole lot of pre-made frozen and easy microwave meals so that i don't starve to death if i get stuck! then admission time is noon, which means an 11:15 bus unless there's some amazing miracle and dedication from someone.
right, thought piece done. catchya.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
It's been over a year since I have even looked at this! To be honest, I feel like I have actually grown up in that time. Well, not completely, I will never grow up completely, that would be no fun! In evidence of my 'grown-up-ness', I am actually not writing about silly boys or any of that stuff. However, I do find myself sitting at home eating an ice cream wishing I had someone close to me that I could talk to. So of course, I am turning to the internet!! All the people out there who really don't care but are wasting time wandering around I salute you!
I suppose I should provide a brief update. I am back in New Zealand, permanently now, I finally got my residency :) I am working for the government, counting fish and writing lots of papers about exciting strategic planning stuff that I really don't care about. The fish stuff makes it all worth it though, and for the most part I enjoy my job.
Still playing soccer, the outdoor season is over, we got third this season and I got most valuable player at the end of the season! (still not sure I'd agree but not much I can do...) We have now moved into playing futsal, a Brasilian style indoor game that is very fast-paced and requires skill and good passing. VERY fun to play, although it can be frustrating. We've been playing for about 2 years now and are pretty used to playing together. We have a National tournament coming up this weekend and have recruited a few extras to help us survive the 3 games on saturday and 2 on sunday. I must admit that it is frustrating to have people who aren't used to playing futsal, and some of us are very intent on winning this tournament!!
4 days after the futsal tournament I am currently scheduled to have a laparoscopic myomectomy performed in a private hospital. I am getting more and more nervous as it approaches and I read more into it and stress about getting approval from the insurance company! I am desperately hoping that I hear from them tomorrow so that I can send in all the forms that the hospital needs for admission and start making my final preparations for who's going to look after me when I'm trapped in bed and a bit of a mess!
I also started doing more research today and found some medical sites that give me all sorts of stats and details about the procedure I have planned. Apparently 10% of the time they end up having to make a big cut rather than just using the robotic pieces, and 1/128 they have to remove the whole uterus. That would be a problem!!!!! And I would be, well, totally gutted! I suppose I technically could also die, but tbh, if that happened I wouldn't care cuz I'd be dead.
I also discovered that I'm not meant to have any sex for like 4-6 weeks afterwards, which, given the current situation doesn't seem like it will be an issue, but I totally know that because it's not allowed, some kind of amazing opportunity will present itself, Murphy's Law, ya know?
Anyways, I suppose that's enough ranting and I feel a little better about it, having put it out on the internet for everyone else to read! Now I'm going to go resume my fetal position sleeping habit and hope that I can sleep without disturbing dreams. Honestly, the dreams have been in hyper mode lately... from me finding people who have hung themselves to crying because my desk at work got moved (these are dreams, not reality), all sorts of work related people involved and strange situations. I think I dreamt that I was gonna have my surgery and they couldn't find my uterus. I mean, really!
So here's hoping that the sleep thing works out for me tonight!
Chur
I suppose I should provide a brief update. I am back in New Zealand, permanently now, I finally got my residency :) I am working for the government, counting fish and writing lots of papers about exciting strategic planning stuff that I really don't care about. The fish stuff makes it all worth it though, and for the most part I enjoy my job.
Still playing soccer, the outdoor season is over, we got third this season and I got most valuable player at the end of the season! (still not sure I'd agree but not much I can do...) We have now moved into playing futsal, a Brasilian style indoor game that is very fast-paced and requires skill and good passing. VERY fun to play, although it can be frustrating. We've been playing for about 2 years now and are pretty used to playing together. We have a National tournament coming up this weekend and have recruited a few extras to help us survive the 3 games on saturday and 2 on sunday. I must admit that it is frustrating to have people who aren't used to playing futsal, and some of us are very intent on winning this tournament!!
4 days after the futsal tournament I am currently scheduled to have a laparoscopic myomectomy performed in a private hospital. I am getting more and more nervous as it approaches and I read more into it and stress about getting approval from the insurance company! I am desperately hoping that I hear from them tomorrow so that I can send in all the forms that the hospital needs for admission and start making my final preparations for who's going to look after me when I'm trapped in bed and a bit of a mess!
I also started doing more research today and found some medical sites that give me all sorts of stats and details about the procedure I have planned. Apparently 10% of the time they end up having to make a big cut rather than just using the robotic pieces, and 1/128 they have to remove the whole uterus. That would be a problem!!!!! And I would be, well, totally gutted! I suppose I technically could also die, but tbh, if that happened I wouldn't care cuz I'd be dead.
I also discovered that I'm not meant to have any sex for like 4-6 weeks afterwards, which, given the current situation doesn't seem like it will be an issue, but I totally know that because it's not allowed, some kind of amazing opportunity will present itself, Murphy's Law, ya know?
Anyways, I suppose that's enough ranting and I feel a little better about it, having put it out on the internet for everyone else to read! Now I'm going to go resume my fetal position sleeping habit and hope that I can sleep without disturbing dreams. Honestly, the dreams have been in hyper mode lately... from me finding people who have hung themselves to crying because my desk at work got moved (these are dreams, not reality), all sorts of work related people involved and strange situations. I think I dreamt that I was gonna have my surgery and they couldn't find my uterus. I mean, really!
So here's hoping that the sleep thing works out for me tonight!
Chur
Sunday, April 11, 2010
i have that feeling like i might explode soon from all sorts of random frustrations building up. first off, i feel like a ridiculous 16 year old girl in some old school romantic book who pines away after some boy who doesn't even know she exists. it's really really frustrating!!! mostly because i spend so much stupid time alone at the moment i think about it way too much and then i can't stop thinking about it and i just feel like i'm going to go nuts over it!
then there's the whole "alone time" thing. this flat is weird, there's like a million people living here but they all have their own lives and are busy and pretty much never home, which is bad for someone like me who kind of needs to have people around, someone to talk to, someone to provide background noise for while dinner is cooked and eaten, someone to have conversations with...basically anything to avoid me hanging out with nothing but my thoughts, the past has shown that i don't do well in that situation, so i think i'm going to look for a new flat and possibly move, in the hopes of finding something a bit more social. i really want to stay in mt. vic though, so i guess i won't try to move back into my old flat, as much as i really liked it.
then there's the soccer frustrations. i haven't been playing my best, i keep passing to the other team and getting beat by all sorts of ridiculously bad people and that in itself is very very frustrating. at the same time, i train hard, i'm one of teh fittest people on the team, i'm always at training, i try to make sure that i'm getting something from the trainings and keeping my touch on the ball decent and staying connected with the girls on the team, then i don't start. and the people who start ahead of me are unfit, don't show up to training and some of them are playing really badly at the moment. it's just so frustrating when i feel like with a little bit more time i could play better than them, even when they're actually playing well and i'm not getting quite enough time for that and then i play decently and i'm still not starting behind people who aren't playing well and aren't training. perhaps i have to go back to the mentality i had last year of going to training for fitness sake and the ball stuff is just for fun. of course i also spent two months going to training last year while taking codeine, cuz then it didn't matter so much if i was shit or whatever. don't really want to go down that path again...at least not at this point in time.
wah.
then there's the whole "alone time" thing. this flat is weird, there's like a million people living here but they all have their own lives and are busy and pretty much never home, which is bad for someone like me who kind of needs to have people around, someone to talk to, someone to provide background noise for while dinner is cooked and eaten, someone to have conversations with...basically anything to avoid me hanging out with nothing but my thoughts, the past has shown that i don't do well in that situation, so i think i'm going to look for a new flat and possibly move, in the hopes of finding something a bit more social. i really want to stay in mt. vic though, so i guess i won't try to move back into my old flat, as much as i really liked it.
then there's the soccer frustrations. i haven't been playing my best, i keep passing to the other team and getting beat by all sorts of ridiculously bad people and that in itself is very very frustrating. at the same time, i train hard, i'm one of teh fittest people on the team, i'm always at training, i try to make sure that i'm getting something from the trainings and keeping my touch on the ball decent and staying connected with the girls on the team, then i don't start. and the people who start ahead of me are unfit, don't show up to training and some of them are playing really badly at the moment. it's just so frustrating when i feel like with a little bit more time i could play better than them, even when they're actually playing well and i'm not getting quite enough time for that and then i play decently and i'm still not starting behind people who aren't playing well and aren't training. perhaps i have to go back to the mentality i had last year of going to training for fitness sake and the ball stuff is just for fun. of course i also spent two months going to training last year while taking codeine, cuz then it didn't matter so much if i was shit or whatever. don't really want to go down that path again...at least not at this point in time.
wah.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
So I'm sitting at my new flat in NZ and my flatmate and his friends had a communal cooking dinner night thing. I am SO jealous. Like, I got home and most of them were in the kitchen working on making garlic bread and salad and mussels with a garlic and tomato sauce. Phenomenal. So not only am I feeling mildly lonely at the moment, but even the friends I have don't do this sort of thing, where they all lend a hand and then sit around eating. Reminds me of the Julie/Julia project where she used to do heaps of cooking and then have friends over for dinner. I have enough trouble cooking for me, although I do enjoy cooking for other people, I totally stress whenever I'm cooking for other people.
I finally bought a bed today. Was more than I originally planned to pay, but it's a decent bed. Now I just have to sort out how I'm going to pick it up, hopefully on saturday. My options for people who have towbars on their cars...hmm...well there's Vicky, who I'll ask tomorrow, cuz that's the least complicated I think. Then there might be helen, though I'm not sure if she has a towbar. There's also uhhh....someone else...no idea who.
So I'm back in New Zealand, in case you hadn't gathered that. I'm working at the Ministry of Fisheries again, getting paid a bit more this time, but my contract ends at the end of June, as does my visa. I got rejected from the UCSC PhD program that I had wanted to do, which means that, as I told people, I'm going to make my move to New Zealand permanent. I hope to god that I don't end up regretting this decision. I have never been happier than I have been in Wellington, as evidenced by that post ages ago, but I do worry that once I know I'm permanent here that people won't want to date me because they don't have the easy-out of me leaving, and then I'll get old and lonely and such. I mean, I've worked hard to be happy as me, and I certainly love this city, but when it comes down to it, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to love and share my life with someone. Hah. Yeah. Good luck to me...
My trip to Antarctica and South America was awesome. I really enjoyed travelling with my parents and Antarctica was amazing. The penguins were absolutely adorable and I would've brought like 20 of them back in my pants if they would've fit. Sadly they didn't, so I just have pictures. It did make me want to go back a) to see more of the wildlife and the fantastic panoramas that you see down there, and b) to do research and figure out how things work down there, especially in the absence of the human presence that is in existence pretty much everywhere else in the world. Strangely enough, my urge to do research is very marine-based. I think the penguins are very cute, but toothfish and what's under the Ross Ice Shelf are still far more interesting to me. Fuck the panoramas were something though. Just eons of ice/snow covered mountains and beautifully artistic icebergs. Almost looks like some giant hand reached down to sculpt the beauty that isn't seen elsewhere on earth.
Patagonia is another place all together. Imagine a vast space, filled with nothing but tumbleweeds and desert and silly-looking birds and some rabbits, but not much else. Not like the midwest, which has been overtaken by corn, and not like the deserts of the southern states, it's something else. There's a personality about it. A personality that just resonates the lone ranger styles, a person who is out to find what he can and lives off his own resolve and tact. Not actually a place that really touches me personally, but a place that I can understand someone getting so attached to that they don't want to leave, or that they write literary masterpieces about.
The thing that I really noticed while travelling was that everyone that I met picked up that I had been out of the states (something about an accent). And then when I said that I had been in New Zealand, everyone gushed on about how much they love NZ, or how much they would love to visit because they've heard such good things about it. I mean...I know it's an amazing place, and I'm thinking to buy a car just so I can so more of it without having to work on transportation so much. Everyone was of the opinion that I should go back. I wonder if they could see in my earnestness how much I like it and how much I didn't want to leave.
I kind of told my mum that I'm going to make the move permanent this time. She kind of ignored me, as she does, I'm sure the shit will hit the fan once I mention to her that I need to sell my car (my baby!!!) and other possessions. Wish I had someone who was entirely supportive of this whole thing. Of course, I wish for lots of things that aren't gonna happen...like someone who wants me for me. And isn't just thinking it's easy cuz I'm leaving...
k, totally ranting. might try to make it more regular to write in here. i'm lacking an unbiased voice to help in my decisions, and i find that typing it out helps. hopefully* people ahve forgotten about this and nobody who will be offended reads it. thus, for once in my life, i may actually be able to do this properly :P
chur
I finally bought a bed today. Was more than I originally planned to pay, but it's a decent bed. Now I just have to sort out how I'm going to pick it up, hopefully on saturday. My options for people who have towbars on their cars...hmm...well there's Vicky, who I'll ask tomorrow, cuz that's the least complicated I think. Then there might be helen, though I'm not sure if she has a towbar. There's also uhhh....someone else...no idea who.
So I'm back in New Zealand, in case you hadn't gathered that. I'm working at the Ministry of Fisheries again, getting paid a bit more this time, but my contract ends at the end of June, as does my visa. I got rejected from the UCSC PhD program that I had wanted to do, which means that, as I told people, I'm going to make my move to New Zealand permanent. I hope to god that I don't end up regretting this decision. I have never been happier than I have been in Wellington, as evidenced by that post ages ago, but I do worry that once I know I'm permanent here that people won't want to date me because they don't have the easy-out of me leaving, and then I'll get old and lonely and such. I mean, I've worked hard to be happy as me, and I certainly love this city, but when it comes down to it, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to love and share my life with someone. Hah. Yeah. Good luck to me...
My trip to Antarctica and South America was awesome. I really enjoyed travelling with my parents and Antarctica was amazing. The penguins were absolutely adorable and I would've brought like 20 of them back in my pants if they would've fit. Sadly they didn't, so I just have pictures. It did make me want to go back a) to see more of the wildlife and the fantastic panoramas that you see down there, and b) to do research and figure out how things work down there, especially in the absence of the human presence that is in existence pretty much everywhere else in the world. Strangely enough, my urge to do research is very marine-based. I think the penguins are very cute, but toothfish and what's under the Ross Ice Shelf are still far more interesting to me. Fuck the panoramas were something though. Just eons of ice/snow covered mountains and beautifully artistic icebergs. Almost looks like some giant hand reached down to sculpt the beauty that isn't seen elsewhere on earth.
Patagonia is another place all together. Imagine a vast space, filled with nothing but tumbleweeds and desert and silly-looking birds and some rabbits, but not much else. Not like the midwest, which has been overtaken by corn, and not like the deserts of the southern states, it's something else. There's a personality about it. A personality that just resonates the lone ranger styles, a person who is out to find what he can and lives off his own resolve and tact. Not actually a place that really touches me personally, but a place that I can understand someone getting so attached to that they don't want to leave, or that they write literary masterpieces about.
The thing that I really noticed while travelling was that everyone that I met picked up that I had been out of the states (something about an accent). And then when I said that I had been in New Zealand, everyone gushed on about how much they love NZ, or how much they would love to visit because they've heard such good things about it. I mean...I know it's an amazing place, and I'm thinking to buy a car just so I can so more of it without having to work on transportation so much. Everyone was of the opinion that I should go back. I wonder if they could see in my earnestness how much I like it and how much I didn't want to leave.
I kind of told my mum that I'm going to make the move permanent this time. She kind of ignored me, as she does, I'm sure the shit will hit the fan once I mention to her that I need to sell my car (my baby!!!) and other possessions. Wish I had someone who was entirely supportive of this whole thing. Of course, I wish for lots of things that aren't gonna happen...like someone who wants me for me. And isn't just thinking it's easy cuz I'm leaving...
k, totally ranting. might try to make it more regular to write in here. i'm lacking an unbiased voice to help in my decisions, and i find that typing it out helps. hopefully* people ahve forgotten about this and nobody who will be offended reads it. thus, for once in my life, i may actually be able to do this properly :P
chur
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I'm overwhelmed. And going to type tonight as though nobody reads this. I think I just need to get some stuff out of my head.
So I'm moving away from New Zealand. My room is about 80% packed and I leave in 9 days. Going back to San Fran for 20 hours and then flying down to Argentina to hike around in Patagonia and go on a cruise down to Antarctica. I'm really looking forward to the adventures to be had and adding the last continent to my list of places I've been. Unfortunately, I can't really even think about the whole trip and how much fun its going to be. I'm just too full of stuff regarding the fact that I'm 'permanently' leaving NZ.
I know that I have really only lived in 2 other cities in my life, but I don't think I was ever actually happy in either. Stockton is a nice place, but it doesn't offer much in the way of social life for young people or distractions or even a beautiful place to sit on a cold night. It's just flat and while it's home and I have all sorts of wonderful memories about growing up there, most of the feelings I associate with that place are of feeling lonely and being worried about the future and being bored. It scares me to go back to there. I strive on being active and getting out and doing things, exploring and there's not that much for me to explore or even do in Stockton.
I spent 5 years in Berkeley. College was probably one of the most amazingly fun and crazy times for me, but the feelings associated there are still of loneliness, great memories, but the general feelings (as evidenced by the long-ago posts of this blog) were not happy ones. I spent a lot of time feeling depressed, stressed, stupid, rejected, and generally not like I could get out and accomplish what I wanted to in the world. I don't know if I was different then, or if I wasn't studying the right things or hanging out with the right people or what it was, but I was never going to get anywhere from there. I ran away, quite a spontaneous decision really, as far as I could. I wanted to re-invent myself, have a new chance away from direct pressures and the life that seemed to have built itself around an unhappy me.
I came to Wellington. I think the original idea was to be someone else, but I quickly realized that I am me, I just needed to embrace that and work with it as best I could. To not hate myself when other people didn't like the way i did things. If it was someone that meant a lot to me, then I would work on my flaws, if not, or if I thought it was unjustified, then I picked my head up and kept going. Something I had never been able to do before. I slowly got out into social activities and made new friends. Got back into soccer, sailing, rediscovered how much I enjoy being myself and being a complete idiot, being silly, trying to be philosophical (FAIL), etc... I actually fell in love with this city. I feel like a complete retard saying that, but I think it's true.
I was walking home the other day and as I walked along the streets that I've come to know, my chest felt like it was going to explode and my brain could barely process the steps I was taking. I think it's like being absolutely terrified and having your heart broken at the same time. Possibly one of the most 'raw' feelings I've ever felt. I mean..I've been hurt in relationships and had to stop doing things/leave places I really liked, but I've never felt in all my life like I'm ripping myself away from something that fits me so perfectly. I guess I'll just have to man up and move on, but I am so scared to go back to all the stuff that I ran away from. Especially since there's virtually nobody I know there to distract me from the misery that it all used to hold for me.
Disclaimer: I am not saying that I hate California or anything there or that I wasn't ever happy there, I'm just describing that in general, I had never been as happy there as I have been here.
Hah.
Of course, then as typical me would do, I had to go and make things just silly. Met a guy a couple months ago, knew I was leaving, promised myself it was casual and would be fun and I'd enjoy my last few months and then say goodbye and head off. Not really sure why or how, but I certainly screwed it up. And with all this going on, I think I actually like the guy. So now I'm breaking my own heart by leaving a city I feel like I actually belong in, and doing it again because I'll always wonder what could have/would have been, and i would much rather be able to live my life with no regrets and no 'what ifs'. But I'm too afraid to actually explain this sort of thing to him. Call me a coward, I am, but I think it's more related to the fact that I keep getting made fun of for being emo.
Currently sitting on my bed, listening to a band called 'Sick puppies'. Guess I am an emo, and if it's between that and being a robot, I am definitely an emo. Emo sans black hair, silly clothes, and ridiculous angsty problems. I just know that I feel things, and I guess someday I'll find someone who might be able to understand that and isn't afraid to feel things as well. Then I can spend time talking about such things. I do realize that I look emo/complaining/whining on facebook, but it's easier to write that stuff in there than it is to explain the feeling when things are perfect and beautiful and right. I think the facebook stuff is because I'm searching for that little bit of compassion or feeling in someone else who might.....get it and offer the hug, or word of reassurance that I tend to be after.
So basically in 9 days I'm going back to a place I'm terrified of and leaving a place that I am in love with. And my friends here, I have no clue what I'm going to do without them. I'll probably fall back into my shell and not take chances, not take risks because I'm so unsure of my own decisions that I just won't make them because I have nobody to discuss them with.
I've said I'm going to give it my best, but I'm having so much trouble even imagining it that I'm even afraid I'm going to not be able to handle it and be stuck there. I'm not built for that.
That felt good, if anyone reads this...thank you for listening :P now i'm going to bed. desperately hoping that in the morning i feel slightly better about all of this.
So I'm moving away from New Zealand. My room is about 80% packed and I leave in 9 days. Going back to San Fran for 20 hours and then flying down to Argentina to hike around in Patagonia and go on a cruise down to Antarctica. I'm really looking forward to the adventures to be had and adding the last continent to my list of places I've been. Unfortunately, I can't really even think about the whole trip and how much fun its going to be. I'm just too full of stuff regarding the fact that I'm 'permanently' leaving NZ.
I know that I have really only lived in 2 other cities in my life, but I don't think I was ever actually happy in either. Stockton is a nice place, but it doesn't offer much in the way of social life for young people or distractions or even a beautiful place to sit on a cold night. It's just flat and while it's home and I have all sorts of wonderful memories about growing up there, most of the feelings I associate with that place are of feeling lonely and being worried about the future and being bored. It scares me to go back to there. I strive on being active and getting out and doing things, exploring and there's not that much for me to explore or even do in Stockton.
I spent 5 years in Berkeley. College was probably one of the most amazingly fun and crazy times for me, but the feelings associated there are still of loneliness, great memories, but the general feelings (as evidenced by the long-ago posts of this blog) were not happy ones. I spent a lot of time feeling depressed, stressed, stupid, rejected, and generally not like I could get out and accomplish what I wanted to in the world. I don't know if I was different then, or if I wasn't studying the right things or hanging out with the right people or what it was, but I was never going to get anywhere from there. I ran away, quite a spontaneous decision really, as far as I could. I wanted to re-invent myself, have a new chance away from direct pressures and the life that seemed to have built itself around an unhappy me.
I came to Wellington. I think the original idea was to be someone else, but I quickly realized that I am me, I just needed to embrace that and work with it as best I could. To not hate myself when other people didn't like the way i did things. If it was someone that meant a lot to me, then I would work on my flaws, if not, or if I thought it was unjustified, then I picked my head up and kept going. Something I had never been able to do before. I slowly got out into social activities and made new friends. Got back into soccer, sailing, rediscovered how much I enjoy being myself and being a complete idiot, being silly, trying to be philosophical (FAIL), etc... I actually fell in love with this city. I feel like a complete retard saying that, but I think it's true.
I was walking home the other day and as I walked along the streets that I've come to know, my chest felt like it was going to explode and my brain could barely process the steps I was taking. I think it's like being absolutely terrified and having your heart broken at the same time. Possibly one of the most 'raw' feelings I've ever felt. I mean..I've been hurt in relationships and had to stop doing things/leave places I really liked, but I've never felt in all my life like I'm ripping myself away from something that fits me so perfectly. I guess I'll just have to man up and move on, but I am so scared to go back to all the stuff that I ran away from. Especially since there's virtually nobody I know there to distract me from the misery that it all used to hold for me.
Disclaimer: I am not saying that I hate California or anything there or that I wasn't ever happy there, I'm just describing that in general, I had never been as happy there as I have been here.
Hah.
Of course, then as typical me would do, I had to go and make things just silly. Met a guy a couple months ago, knew I was leaving, promised myself it was casual and would be fun and I'd enjoy my last few months and then say goodbye and head off. Not really sure why or how, but I certainly screwed it up. And with all this going on, I think I actually like the guy. So now I'm breaking my own heart by leaving a city I feel like I actually belong in, and doing it again because I'll always wonder what could have/would have been, and i would much rather be able to live my life with no regrets and no 'what ifs'. But I'm too afraid to actually explain this sort of thing to him. Call me a coward, I am, but I think it's more related to the fact that I keep getting made fun of for being emo.
Currently sitting on my bed, listening to a band called 'Sick puppies'. Guess I am an emo, and if it's between that and being a robot, I am definitely an emo. Emo sans black hair, silly clothes, and ridiculous angsty problems. I just know that I feel things, and I guess someday I'll find someone who might be able to understand that and isn't afraid to feel things as well. Then I can spend time talking about such things. I do realize that I look emo/complaining/whining on facebook, but it's easier to write that stuff in there than it is to explain the feeling when things are perfect and beautiful and right. I think the facebook stuff is because I'm searching for that little bit of compassion or feeling in someone else who might.....get it and offer the hug, or word of reassurance that I tend to be after.
So basically in 9 days I'm going back to a place I'm terrified of and leaving a place that I am in love with. And my friends here, I have no clue what I'm going to do without them. I'll probably fall back into my shell and not take chances, not take risks because I'm so unsure of my own decisions that I just won't make them because I have nobody to discuss them with.
I've said I'm going to give it my best, but I'm having so much trouble even imagining it that I'm even afraid I'm going to not be able to handle it and be stuck there. I'm not built for that.
That felt good, if anyone reads this...thank you for listening :P now i'm going to bed. desperately hoping that in the morning i feel slightly better about all of this.
Monday, August 31, 2009
oh man. every few months i just seem to need to have one of those weekends where i can pretend to be an angsty teenager again and rant on about shit. a few days later i always look back and am embarassed/amused by my own writings...as a side note, that last post was written after a few drinks at home on my own, sadly, the same issues were raised by me at a social function, also involving a few drinks. ranting when you're being social is never a good look. although i suppose it does prompt other people to tell you things.
i found it odd that apparently my topic of choice on sunday night (one of the topics at least), i took an opposite stance to that i would really like to take. i was apparently going on about the benefits of casual sex and how much i think it's a good thing and rah, rah, rah....i think i was probably trying to convince myself...as evidenced in that last post, i don't really think it's all that super...the drunk mind is a crazy thing.
i just felt the need for some kind of half disclaimer on what i wrote. i'd delete it, but that's not very interesting, so i'll just leave it there for people to read and see if they can figure out my brain, cuz i sure can't!!
chur
i found it odd that apparently my topic of choice on sunday night (one of the topics at least), i took an opposite stance to that i would really like to take. i was apparently going on about the benefits of casual sex and how much i think it's a good thing and rah, rah, rah....i think i was probably trying to convince myself...as evidenced in that last post, i don't really think it's all that super...the drunk mind is a crazy thing.
i just felt the need for some kind of half disclaimer on what i wrote. i'd delete it, but that's not very interesting, so i'll just leave it there for people to read and see if they can figure out my brain, cuz i sure can't!!
chur
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