i had a good night tonight, although I really did wonder at some points why we do all of this! I mean, honestly, why do we go out and drink until our inhibitions are lowered. Then we are relatively honest with our opinions and start to see who we each really are. Why are we not just ourselves without having to spend $$ on alcohol or buy the drinks to relax ourselves into honesty?

It doesn't seem to matter how I look at it, it just seems so ridiculous that we require alcohol to be honest. Are we really such bad or judgmental or sensitive people that we can't just be honest straight-up? I mean, I get that some things are better left unsaid and that it is not always prudent to the the truth or even part of the truth but sometimes the world would be such a better place if we all just said what we thought right from the get-go.

For someone that values honesty above nearly anything else, it still surprises me that I am capable of trusting people in a society like ours, where non-truth seems to be the norm and honesty is frowned upon as being abrasive or confrontational. Wtf are we, pathetic children too ashamed of who and what we are to admit the simplest truths to ourselves?

As far as I can tell from other people's treatment and reactions to me, I am a semi-attractive, semi-intelligent person who can provide good company (and a decent time in the sack) who still seems to only attract less than ideal men and has never felt very confident in myself. If you dig into detail here, I have never been told why I'm not 'dating material' by any man, nor have I ever (to my memory) maintained any interest from a man who actually has his own life on track and treats me how I deserve. Now, I am not a very self-confident person, however, in the privacy of an online blog...I do actually believe that I am attractive. I believe that my body is petite, sexy and tight, and I am proportioned nicely. My face isn't perfect, but I don't look like a troll and even I am relatively certain that I am above average generally in appearance. I am not a dumb person, in fact, if someone were to dig much into my psyche, I believe they would find a surprising arrogance there. I try very hard to hide this, although I do not pretend to be dumb.

We all have our flaws, I just wish I knew what mine were. I'm not desperate in any way, but I wish I knew what I could work on that might actually make me tenable for a decent man...I'm pretty certain that I am a 'good' enough person to deserve it. Possibly even over-'good'...who knows.