I've gotten lost! In all of the looking after someone else and being stoic and supportive and always trying to do the best thing for someone else I've completely forgotten what it feels like to be passionate. I don't mean that I've just put someone else first, I mean that I've forgotten how it feels to have that desire, that feeling in your chest that you get, or the shit-eating grin that you can't wipe off because you realise that you can enjoy to the fullest whatever it is that you are doing.

I was just lying here kind of thinking about the things I'd like to do in the coming months. I was thinking about going to a friend's birthday party that's on friday night. I was trying to think through what they would all think of me turning up to possibly the first social event I've attended in about a year. Then I started thinking back through all the memories I have with them and wondered if I would ever get back there again. Then I realised that I had so much fun with them because I was able to relax and just enjoy. I don't think I've been able to do that at all for the last year. Not even for a minute. Not saying that I'll quite be there yet on Friday night, but that's my goal. To be able to simply enjoy something for me. My thinking about the party and my friends then got me thinking about snowboarding. I haven't enjoyed it very much the last few times I've been up. I've been afraid and cautious and that's not how you snowboard!! I mean, the whole point of it is to be free and enjoy yourself. Yes, you might fall and it might hurt but you're not actually enjoying it or experiencing it properly if you're holding yourself back being afraid all the time.

It's just that feeling. Enjoying something so much that it's evident on your face that there is nowhere else you would rather be. Forgetting everything else that is on your mind and simply living in and enjoying that particular moment. That's how we're meant to live! Yes, work is different, but at the same time, even at work, the same attention and passion should be given to everything. If you can't devote any feeling or effort towards your work, you're in the wrong job. Obviously I am talking about the non-work stuff here. I haven't enjoyed my football this season and as a result I've been playing like crap. I've been afraid of what people think of me or say about me behind my back. Who cares!?!?! If I play like I can and just stop worrying then I will enjoy it and it will feel good. Instead of coming home and sitting around like a lump, I should go to pilates...I should try to get out sailing, pick up my instruments and remind myself what it feels like to lose yourself in the emotion of a piece of music. And get a piano so that I can enjoy that as well.

I guess maybe I'm just missing balance. I haven't done anything for my own enjoyment in far too long, and even the things I have done for me have been clouded, detracted from, and simply made less than they should be by my state of mind and the things that have been going on.

Enough! I am an intelligent, attractive, mature, thoughtful, perceptive, and sometimes slightly emotional person. I don't know why I let imbeciles make me doubt myself and my worth, but I'm done with that. I know who I am, what I am capable of and what I deserve.

I control my life. I need to remember that and be in control.

Go me!

ka kite