So I'm sitting at my new flat in NZ and my flatmate and his friends had a communal cooking dinner night thing. I am SO jealous. Like, I got home and most of them were in the kitchen working on making garlic bread and salad and mussels with a garlic and tomato sauce. Phenomenal. So not only am I feeling mildly lonely at the moment, but even the friends I have don't do this sort of thing, where they all lend a hand and then sit around eating. Reminds me of the Julie/Julia project where she used to do heaps of cooking and then have friends over for dinner. I have enough trouble cooking for me, although I do enjoy cooking for other people, I totally stress whenever I'm cooking for other people.

I finally bought a bed today. Was more than I originally planned to pay, but it's a decent bed. Now I just have to sort out how I'm going to pick it up, hopefully on saturday. My options for people who have towbars on their cars...hmm...well there's Vicky, who I'll ask tomorrow, cuz that's the least complicated I think. Then there might be helen, though I'm not sure if she has a towbar. There's also uhhh....someone else...no idea who.

So I'm back in New Zealand, in case you hadn't gathered that. I'm working at the Ministry of Fisheries again, getting paid a bit more this time, but my contract ends at the end of June, as does my visa. I got rejected from the UCSC PhD program that I had wanted to do, which means that, as I told people, I'm going to make my move to New Zealand permanent. I hope to god that I don't end up regretting this decision. I have never been happier than I have been in Wellington, as evidenced by that post ages ago, but I do worry that once I know I'm permanent here that people won't want to date me because they don't have the easy-out of me leaving, and then I'll get old and lonely and such. I mean, I've worked hard to be happy as me, and I certainly love this city, but when it comes down to it, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to love and share my life with someone. Hah. Yeah. Good luck to me...

My trip to Antarctica and South America was awesome. I really enjoyed travelling with my parents and Antarctica was amazing. The penguins were absolutely adorable and I would've brought like 20 of them back in my pants if they would've fit. Sadly they didn't, so I just have pictures. It did make me want to go back a) to see more of the wildlife and the fantastic panoramas that you see down there, and b) to do research and figure out how things work down there, especially in the absence of the human presence that is in existence pretty much everywhere else in the world. Strangely enough, my urge to do research is very marine-based. I think the penguins are very cute, but toothfish and what's under the Ross Ice Shelf are still far more interesting to me. Fuck the panoramas were something though. Just eons of ice/snow covered mountains and beautifully artistic icebergs. Almost looks like some giant hand reached down to sculpt the beauty that isn't seen elsewhere on earth.

Patagonia is another place all together. Imagine a vast space, filled with nothing but tumbleweeds and desert and silly-looking birds and some rabbits, but not much else. Not like the midwest, which has been overtaken by corn, and not like the deserts of the southern states, it's something else. There's a personality about it. A personality that just resonates the lone ranger styles, a person who is out to find what he can and lives off his own resolve and tact. Not actually a place that really touches me personally, but a place that I can understand someone getting so attached to that they don't want to leave, or that they write literary masterpieces about.

The thing that I really noticed while travelling was that everyone that I met picked up that I had been out of the states (something about an accent). And then when I said that I had been in New Zealand, everyone gushed on about how much they love NZ, or how much they would love to visit because they've heard such good things about it. I mean...I know it's an amazing place, and I'm thinking to buy a car just so I can so more of it without having to work on transportation so much. Everyone was of the opinion that I should go back. I wonder if they could see in my earnestness how much I like it and how much I didn't want to leave.

I kind of told my mum that I'm going to make the move permanent this time. She kind of ignored me, as she does, I'm sure the shit will hit the fan once I mention to her that I need to sell my car (my baby!!!) and other possessions. Wish I had someone who was entirely supportive of this whole thing. Of course, I wish for lots of things that aren't gonna happen...like someone who wants me for me. And isn't just thinking it's easy cuz I'm leaving...

k, totally ranting. might try to make it more regular to write in here. i'm lacking an unbiased voice to help in my decisions, and i find that typing it out helps. hopefully* people ahve forgotten about this and nobody who will be offended reads it. thus, for once in my life, i may actually be able to do this properly :P

chur