I'm overwhelmed. And going to type tonight as though nobody reads this. I think I just need to get some stuff out of my head.
So I'm moving away from New Zealand. My room is about 80% packed and I leave in 9 days. Going back to San Fran for 20 hours and then flying down to Argentina to hike around in Patagonia and go on a cruise down to Antarctica. I'm really looking forward to the adventures to be had and adding the last continent to my list of places I've been. Unfortunately, I can't really even think about the whole trip and how much fun its going to be. I'm just too full of stuff regarding the fact that I'm 'permanently' leaving NZ.
I know that I have really only lived in 2 other cities in my life, but I don't think I was ever actually happy in either. Stockton is a nice place, but it doesn't offer much in the way of social life for young people or distractions or even a beautiful place to sit on a cold night. It's just flat and while it's home and I have all sorts of wonderful memories about growing up there, most of the feelings I associate with that place are of feeling lonely and being worried about the future and being bored. It scares me to go back to there. I strive on being active and getting out and doing things, exploring and there's not that much for me to explore or even do in Stockton.
I spent 5 years in Berkeley. College was probably one of the most amazingly fun and crazy times for me, but the feelings associated there are still of loneliness, great memories, but the general feelings (as evidenced by the long-ago posts of this blog) were not happy ones. I spent a lot of time feeling depressed, stressed, stupid, rejected, and generally not like I could get out and accomplish what I wanted to in the world. I don't know if I was different then, or if I wasn't studying the right things or hanging out with the right people or what it was, but I was never going to get anywhere from there. I ran away, quite a spontaneous decision really, as far as I could. I wanted to re-invent myself, have a new chance away from direct pressures and the life that seemed to have built itself around an unhappy me.
I came to Wellington. I think the original idea was to be someone else, but I quickly realized that I am me, I just needed to embrace that and work with it as best I could. To not hate myself when other people didn't like the way i did things. If it was someone that meant a lot to me, then I would work on my flaws, if not, or if I thought it was unjustified, then I picked my head up and kept going. Something I had never been able to do before. I slowly got out into social activities and made new friends. Got back into soccer, sailing, rediscovered how much I enjoy being myself and being a complete idiot, being silly, trying to be philosophical (FAIL), etc... I actually fell in love with this city. I feel like a complete retard saying that, but I think it's true.
I was walking home the other day and as I walked along the streets that I've come to know, my chest felt like it was going to explode and my brain could barely process the steps I was taking. I think it's like being absolutely terrified and having your heart broken at the same time. Possibly one of the most 'raw' feelings I've ever felt. I mean..I've been hurt in relationships and had to stop doing things/leave places I really liked, but I've never felt in all my life like I'm ripping myself away from something that fits me so perfectly. I guess I'll just have to man up and move on, but I am so scared to go back to all the stuff that I ran away from. Especially since there's virtually nobody I know there to distract me from the misery that it all used to hold for me.
Disclaimer: I am not saying that I hate California or anything there or that I wasn't ever happy there, I'm just describing that in general, I had never been as happy there as I have been here.

Hah.

Of course, then as typical me would do, I had to go and make things just silly. Met a guy a couple months ago, knew I was leaving, promised myself it was casual and would be fun and I'd enjoy my last few months and then say goodbye and head off. Not really sure why or how, but I certainly screwed it up. And with all this going on, I think I actually like the guy. So now I'm breaking my own heart by leaving a city I feel like I actually belong in, and doing it again because I'll always wonder what could have/would have been, and i would much rather be able to live my life with no regrets and no 'what ifs'. But I'm too afraid to actually explain this sort of thing to him. Call me a coward, I am, but I think it's more related to the fact that I keep getting made fun of for being emo.
Currently sitting on my bed, listening to a band called 'Sick puppies'. Guess I am an emo, and if it's between that and being a robot, I am definitely an emo. Emo sans black hair, silly clothes, and ridiculous angsty problems. I just know that I feel things, and I guess someday I'll find someone who might be able to understand that and isn't afraid to feel things as well. Then I can spend time talking about such things. I do realize that I look emo/complaining/whining on facebook, but it's easier to write that stuff in there than it is to explain the feeling when things are perfect and beautiful and right. I think the facebook stuff is because I'm searching for that little bit of compassion or feeling in someone else who might.....get it and offer the hug, or word of reassurance that I tend to be after.
So basically in 9 days I'm going back to a place I'm terrified of and leaving a place that I am in love with. And my friends here, I have no clue what I'm going to do without them. I'll probably fall back into my shell and not take chances, not take risks because I'm so unsure of my own decisions that I just won't make them because I have nobody to discuss them with.

I've said I'm going to give it my best, but I'm having so much trouble even imagining it that I'm even afraid I'm going to not be able to handle it and be stuck there. I'm not built for that.

That felt good, if anyone reads this...thank you for listening :P now i'm going to bed. desperately hoping that in the morning i feel slightly better about all of this.