i have that feeling like i might explode soon from all sorts of random frustrations building up. first off, i feel like a ridiculous 16 year old girl in some old school romantic book who pines away after some boy who doesn't even know she exists. it's really really frustrating!!! mostly because i spend so much stupid time alone at the moment i think about it way too much and then i can't stop thinking about it and i just feel like i'm going to go nuts over it!

then there's the whole "alone time" thing. this flat is weird, there's like a million people living here but they all have their own lives and are busy and pretty much never home, which is bad for someone like me who kind of needs to have people around, someone to talk to, someone to provide background noise for while dinner is cooked and eaten, someone to have conversations with...basically anything to avoid me hanging out with nothing but my thoughts, the past has shown that i don't do well in that situation, so i think i'm going to look for a new flat and possibly move, in the hopes of finding something a bit more social. i really want to stay in mt. vic though, so i guess i won't try to move back into my old flat, as much as i really liked it.

then there's the soccer frustrations. i haven't been playing my best, i keep passing to the other team and getting beat by all sorts of ridiculously bad people and that in itself is very very frustrating. at the same time, i train hard, i'm one of teh fittest people on the team, i'm always at training, i try to make sure that i'm getting something from the trainings and keeping my touch on the ball decent and staying connected with the girls on the team, then i don't start. and the people who start ahead of me are unfit, don't show up to training and some of them are playing really badly at the moment. it's just so frustrating when i feel like with a little bit more time i could play better than them, even when they're actually playing well and i'm not getting quite enough time for that and then i play decently and i'm still not starting behind people who aren't playing well and aren't training. perhaps i have to go back to the mentality i had last year of going to training for fitness sake and the ball stuff is just for fun. of course i also spent two months going to training last year while taking codeine, cuz then it didn't matter so much if i was shit or whatever. don't really want to go down that path again...at least not at this point in time.

wah.