i s'pose i should write a little something. been doing better the last few days, also had some strange realizations.
when i was growing up, i always felt like there was something special about me, like i used more of my brain than other kids or something. i know this sounds weird, but i really felt like when i put my mind to it, i could accomplish nearly anything. i always knew i was going to grow up to do something that mattered, something that made the world better, even if it was only for a few people. it was almost like an intense desire to do good and only good. i think part of the reason i've been feeling so crap lately is becuase i feel like i'm completely losing that specialness. i'm nothing special, just another zombie running around trying to make ends meet, no matter the consequences to others. i HATE it. i dont want to be one of the masses, i want to be me, understanding other people, making their days and lives better as best i can. i just seem to suck at it. or people dont want it? maybe it's just that there's still nobody out there like me, so nobody can ever do anything back that makes me feel like it's worth it. i put in effort to make everyone else happy, but nobody does it for me, so why should i do it for the world? why should i try to save the world when everyone else is doing everything they can to ruin it?
i know it's random and a bit of a rant, but honestly. i try so hard to make this place better and everyone just undoes it and doesn't care. how can i make people see me? how can i make them understand that i'm working so hard for them? can they just say thank you once in a while?
just feeling neglected i s'pose...one of the downsides of being an only child. maybe i had too much imagination as a child and imagined too much for myself?
i have a cut on my knee. it's icky.
i'm trying to smile more. do more for myself. maybe i'll fit in if i'm more selfish and think only about myself and my world. i dont want to give up my principles that easily though. i'm already such a push-over...gah!