Sometimes I hate movies and popular music.
I'm up at uni, sitting in the computer lab with my papers spread out all over the place trying to work out the methods for my next 3-4 experiments and the next 3 months or so, and I'm listening to my ipod. Like half of the songs that come on have to do with humans having close bonds with one another and trusting each other and thinking about eachother and stuff. I'm currently not sure that kind of relationship can exist. I've somehow managed to grow up believing that people can care enough for eachother to put the other person in front of themselves. I've grown up thinking almost that self-sacrifice shows that you care, but it's not really sacrifice, i think it's just the amount you think as the other person. Logically, to me, it seems that if you really care about someone you'll consider them in decisions you make that could affect them. Even if you decide something that's not gonna make them happy, at least the thought was there. It amazes me when people don't even consider other peoples' feelings. I s'pose in some ways this relates back to that time a while ago when I wrote about the complete lack of compassion in today's world. We don't think of eachother, we don't think about consequences past the immediate future for ourselves. Either that or people do think about it and just don't care. In all reality, as the Dalai Lama said on Campbell Live last night, the world is a very small place, we're all in the same boat and need to start thinking globally, start looking out for one another or else it's all gonna go down the shitter. Not just global warming, but intolerance and selfishness. We can be the first species to fully bring about our own extinction. That's really something to be proud of when we've got such an ability to think! Animals that we think of as dumb have lived much much longer than us on this planet because they're not selfish, they inherently know that they have to share, have to think of the others, even without thinking. This ingrained knowledge makes evolutionary sense, it's almost as though we're purposely trying to fuck everything up by arguing our way out of our inherent sense of self as a species trying to survive. Yes, I'm ranting.
I've actually been having a bit of a rough time. I can't turn my brain off from telling me that nobody actually cares about me. It's hard being so alone. It's almost like I chose to leave the only people that knew me and haven't found anyone new, so the only "care" i get is from 1700 miles away, which just isn't the same. My parents still ask what I'm up to, but it's about once a week. Nobody at soccer cares what I've been up to. I have my boy, and he asks and listens, but I don't think it would matter much if I said I had done nothing at all for a week, he'd nod and say okay and give me a hug which would make me smile, but I'd still have that slightly emtpy feeling like it really just doesn't matter. Bah.
Typing is no substitute for compassion and caring. the Dalai Lama is really cool. it really is a pity that there aren't more people out there like him.