does anyone else feel like facebook gets in the way of real social interaction? i always told myself that facebook was a way to see what friends at home were up to, and to kind of see what was going on around New Zealand with the people I've met. But now I'm starting to realize that people you've met 2-3 times will friend you, and then what they know about you is based on what your facebook profile says. i think mine says something about liking soccer and running and then something about california being a luntic asylum. what does this say about me? nothing at all.
i am not someone who is good at getting people out and doing things. i am not a motivator, i am not a leader (in social situations), i am a follower, but i am someone who loves to do the things that people don't expect me to want to do. i just need someone to do them with. i love the things like rock climbing, paintball, men's soccer leagues, sailing, kayaking, pretty much anything that is fun. by anyones description. i would love to do the crazy things like base jumping, kiteboarding, but i can't just walk out and do it myself. that's not how it works.
now. lessee.....i am playing a lot of soccer. i love soccer, i am only now (end of the season) beginning to play anything like what i used to do. (not that it matters). i'll keep playing it cuz it makes me happy. i am sailing. in a Phase II, gone are the days of sailing FJs with someone who was so much better than me that all I did was learn every second of it. and i did. and i am slowly coming to realize that the crew does a lot. i was a good crew because i watched other crews, now i am realizing that an attentive crew is not as common as i first assumed. point being: i love sailing. working on what's next with that. i am trying to get back into running, but having shin split and gammy ankle issues. I want to do a half-marathon/triathalon. Has anyone else ever noticed that it is hard to motivate oneself when nobody else even cares? I don't need someone to do it with me, i need someone to point out that I'm not doing it....is it really that hard?
I am going to miss this city. I have never spent so much time in a place that I have been so happy. And now I am leaving it. Those of you that have read anything in this blog from the less recent past may be able to figure out why i am absolutely terrified of this fact. I love California, i love the liberalness and the sun, but to me it will always hold memories of depression and people who don't care about me and places that i couldn't see the joy in every sunrise.
here, i think the city is beautiful, i see it in the sunrise, the sunset, the people don't care, but at least it feels like some of them would notice if i was gone. i guess all the depression ended in the ideal that i have to find the joy in living as me, what other people this is nothing. and that's how i am now. i look out on wellington when i walk to work and i love it. i love the way it looks in cloudy skies, sunny skies, and any skies. it is a city of some kind of modern humanities' beauty.
at least i'm happy with where i am. nevermind the fact that nobody wants me for anything other than a pincushion. yes... pincushion as in 'something to stick a prick in'. i like to think i'm okay with it. and i am. until i realize that no matter if someone's moving across teh world, feelings are somethin that should just be allowed. we deny anything that isn't pre-thought when we think of these things. surely i'm not just good to stick a prick into? there is so much to me that is different from other people i know, surely someone at least is interested in getting to know this, or are we all so afraid of what getting to know someone involves that we just don't, because we know it's not going to lead to anything serious?
i suspect this is a long post. worthy of 1.5 bottles of wine and a slightly depressive/angry mindset?
not "bitter and prickly" as per Rob a few weeks ago. just not willing to pretend that ignorance comes from bad lighting and not a lack of "shown" cleavage.
it's been so long since i had a good type/rant in here, i'll leave it at this, with more to come :P