i really dont know that i can do this thing. it's so strange, but i'm terrified of so many things. and there's just these random-ass little tiny things that totally make me freak out, even though i really really dont want to. i hope i'm not tormenting anyone. i think i also really need someone i can talk to. someone i can actually be honest to. there isn't anybody. there are a couple people who come close, but nobody that i can bare my soul to and not be afraid to well uhh...cry in front of. i HATE crying, but it just keeps happening..way more than i want it to and ik now why, i just wish i could get over it all and not be so afraid of this whole thing. i'm wondering if it's gonna be unfair for me to keep going with it just hoping that at some point i can stop freaking out about random shit.
in other news, it's been raining for like 3 days straight. i actually really like rain and everytime it's raining at night i'm SO tempted to just go out and sit in the rain. always feels like that would just solve everything, but i've tried it before and i always end up just freezing cold and wishing i could stay out longer but dont really want to get hypothermia.
school's going okay.
bagels is going okay.
i'm in a reltively blah mood. i'm kind of realizing that i'm putting myself in a position i'm not sure i want to be in. also that i'm sort of bringing all this stuff on myself
i really want to go sailing.
damn this bloggy thing that i can never really explain things in.
and damn my mother fucking foot.