is this what the life of an adult is really like? the constant weird feeling that nobody really cares what you think or how you feel? I know that there are people who do care, but the feeling persists. I wonder why that is. Are adults on their own also prone to that feeling that they know they're being dumb but can't really help it? I found myself doing that tonight. I know I'm not an adult yet, at least not by my definition, but being so far away from everything I knew before makes me feel all grown up. Yes, I do still get money from my parents, but I made enough in the last two weeks to pay the rent! I still need to find me another job. why am i here? what was i running from? i can guess, but it doesn't really make sense. needless to say, i'm glad i'm here, i'm glad i'm experiencing all these things and i'm glad that my life is how it is. i may sound like i'm not happy, but i really really really am. the feeling that nobody cares isn't so huge that it makes me sad, it's just kind of strange to realize such things.
i went tramping today. all around some area that i've forgotten the name of. it was really nice and fun. really windy and there were waves and dead sheep and a dead penguin and baseball with driftwood and rocks...good times. weird how i always relate what i'm seeing to different places i've been. today i was trying to not do that and just to remember the sights for what they were, instead of comparing them to anything else.
i have to be on a train in 3 hours to go diving. i know you're supposed to get a good nights sleep before diving, but i'm so used to operating on virtually no sleep that i think i'll be okay. i had to write something. tonight is the first night that i've ever actually wanted to leave the bar. even when i'm exhausted and my feet are tired, i still usually can enjoy that feeling that i'm a bartender and i'm "important" or whatever it is that i like about it, but tonight i was just sick of the music, sick of the people, and sick of feeling like i was being watched, judged, and being labelled incompetent. fuck that! i really should try to get some sleep.
i also need to learn how to say no when someone asks for my number. really i do. i wish i had pictures of the bar and the people at it, but it seems kinda strange to take pictures in that setting. especially since my camera batteries are a bit dead and my camera is at alex's place. oh well.
guess i'll go get my beautiful 2 hours of sleep. wonder if i'll actually be able to sleep unlike hte last two nights. i haven't been able to get comfortable and i get brief amounts of sleep that never actually feel like sleep. last night i dreamt that i was driving boss man's car for some reason. so fucking random!
aite, guess i'm off to give this sleep shit a try
picture for the night:the infamous bar!