Hmmm....it's been a strange night and I'm feeling the need to write about it. Of course, as usual when I want to write, I'll forget all the important thoughts in my head by the time I start writing. Anyways, tonight we went over and played poker for a little while with Mike, Paul and Ake. They had a couple of beers and then we decided to go get some pizza. At the pizza place there was a bar and they started drinking. Now, we've kind of suspected that Paul was an alcoholic, he drinks a lot every night, even by himself. So at the pizza place, Paul bought several beers and then started taking shots of absinthe. He'd already had about 6 beers and then he had 5 shots of absinthe in about a 20 min. period. The others had a couple absinthe shots too. We were having fun, but they started to get loud and kind of annoying, so anne and i left. we got home and hung out for a bit, then i got a text message from ake about paul, said that he had gotten kicked out of the strip club they had gone to and was on his way home on his own. they wanted us to make sure he got home alright. he wasn't there, he showed up about 20 min. later having passed out between two cars and brought back by cops. he was extremely drunk. we helped him into the elevator and into his room. then we weren't sure what to do so we left and went upstairs. eventually we went back and took care of him for a couple hours. there were some scary moments when he'd completely stop responding to us talking to him, prodding him and various forms of attention-getting. ake and mike stayed out at the bars and we took care of paul. i have no problem helping out drunk people, and he felt really bad about it. i wish that ake and mike had come back earlier, i also wish that when they showed up later moke hadn't been such a drunk fuck-tard. he stumbled in the room like, "paul, you're an idiot and your drunk...." and stuipd shit like that. when you have a drunk person who feels VERY guilty about having people take care of him, you dont point it out and make it worse. i told mike to leave and he kinda moved by the door. we stuck with paul til he seemed pretty able to carry on conversation and then we left him to sleep. on his side of course, but he seemed pretty much fine when we left. this, for me, brings back so many memories and things that i dont want to think about.
there were times that i could tell paul was frustrated with his own condition and the fact that people were "inconvenienced" to take care of him. i've seen this sort of guilt before. people would rather die than accept help from friends. it's very scary. he hit the wall with his fist. the memories of watching someone hit something when they're so frustrated with themselves. what could i do? nothing? if we left, we're leaving him in an unsafe way, and if we stay we make him feel so bad about himself that who knows what would happen. its happened so many times that i've left and found out in the morning that i should've stayed and that my leaving will have permanent reminders. i dont want to be in that situation, but it happens.
it gets worse with an alcoholic-type person. they start with something they feel bad about and then they drink to "ease the pain" of feeling bad about themselves, but then they're always drunk and have nights that can be embarassing. then they're embarassed for what they do when drunk and drink more later to forget how they've embarassed themselves. it all starts with low self-perception i think. most people feel that they have some shortcoming that prohibits them from having fun or being accepted for who they are. drinking gets them over that hump and it becomes necessary to hang out with people. alcoholism is a very scary thing for me. maybe i am a bit sensitive about it, but i think it's one of the most pervasive diseases. i have friends that drink a lot that i dont worry about. people here drink a lot but i dont feel as worried about it because they dont drink like americans who drink to hide themselves, to cover up their insecurities, drink for the sake of getting drunk. i feel like americans get more dependent on alcohol because they start drinking as a cover and like make-up, once you've started hiding the imperfections, then you can never let them show cuz it would give you away AND show that you were covering them in the first place. there is never a NEED to drink. there should never be a NEED to drink. every person should be able to go out at night and have a decent time without drinking. i'm not preaching that people dont drink. just do it for the right reasons, for fun, not to get drunk and cover up what you're scared of.
i'm probably a hipocrite in some part of this, but i am human. i just cant watch it. i cant watch people drink and tear themselves apart in a never-ending circle in which they NEED a drink.
thats a rant
i'm afraid to leave my friend. even though i know that he will be fine and just sleep it off now. i'm worried about when he wakes up. when he starts blaming himself for "using" some of our time. there is nothing for him to blame himself about. everyone has nights where they need a friend. all i can say is that i'm glad i could be there for him and keep him safe. i hope there will be someone to do the same if i'm ever in that situation. i have vague memories of there being nobody there for me before.
i'm gonna go take a long, hot shower now. when i think of sitting in the shower and just thinking, i think of jason, i think of the long showers...ages in the shower just pondering why everything was so shitty. was it really that shitty?
i s'pose i prolly was