i had the worst dream last night. jason and i got in a huge fight...i dont really know what it was about, but everyone was worried about him and giving him all this attention and basicaly telling me that i was totally wrong and didnt deserve him, and didnt deserve to live or an ything...made me feel pretty terrible. in the dream i pretty much went a little crazy trying to make people understand that i was totally worried about him, but that i also needed some help and affection. i felt so terrible. then the dream switched and we were playing hide and go seek...then i was walking somewhere and i kept seeing people headed to XO's invitational, but they were all really late. then jas had won this big trip, but he was ignoring me totally and we were on a dance floor with a ton of hot dancer-girls...the dj who was there said i danced much, much better than any of them, but jas. didn't care. then we were on a boat, and i was trying to build this little girl from these block things (jasons mom gave them to him for valentines day) and wwe were on this huge strange boat. these big waves were coming and the pieces kept washing down into the blige. th atmosphere on the boat was really weird. everyone was treating me like i was just some little retarded kid to be watched over...they were also treating me kind of like a toy...watching me, laughing at me...
sad to say, i seem to have woken up with most of the same feelings that i had in the dream. being totally worthless, being such a terrible person that nobody should ever want to get to know me, scared that jason hates me, a need for positive attention, super low self-confidence.....what a great start to a day
needless to say, im thinking of skipping class, which i know might be bad, but i feel like i cant face people at the moment...i still have to meet sergio at 12, but maybe that time will help me to change my feelings...
yeargh
yeargh
yeargh
yeargh

i wish someone would just exlain everything to me, and give me the right responses, give me the ability to know if what im' thinking is how i actually feel, show me when i'm doing something wrong...