Ya know, I have days when I absolutely love my situation. Days when I like living in Wellington and I feel good about myself and I like my job and going to school and stuff, but then I have days like today when I hate my situation. I don't like waiting for stuff up at uni, I don't like depending on other people for my uni stuff, and I don't like not being able to find information that I feel like I need to have. I hate not being able to work more than 20 hours a week because my friends are pretty much all at work these days so when I've got free time, they're working and I'm alone. I hate being poor, I don't like not being able to buy a pair of pants so that I can feel relatively attractive when I'm dressed for school. I don't like being such a damn pushover. I get talked into working all the time when I really shouldn't, I got talked into going to this uni games thing which will be nice, but at teh same time it's 5 days away when I should be working and doing my research stuff, plus it costs me heaps of money that I don't really have. Plus I always get pushed around in everything I want. If I disagree with something, or want to voice my opinion, I'm nagging, and that's bad. I agree that it would be really annoying all the time, but when all of this first started my opinion counted for something and he wanted to make me like him so he tried to acquiesce to what I wanted, now I just get walked all over and what I want means nothing and doesn't really matter. I should stand up for myself, but then he just says he doesn't want to have that conversation and I continue on thinking that I'm pretty worthless. Though I s'pose I should ask him to change himself just to please me. I liked how it was at the beginning, it was a compromise, he cut back on smoking and I tried not to complain when he did smoke with friends or after a few drinks. Now it's like...smoking every night at home and if I say anything at all I'm a nagging bitch and a bad, annoying person who nobody wants to be around. Sucks.
I'm trying to make my peace with the whole smoking thing, but it bothers me to be so completely pushed away from my beliefs and the things that mattered to me.
I keep having really really vivid dreams and none of them are good. Last night I dreamt that the boy was out buying heaps and heaps of drugs and was gonna become a full-time drug dealer and there was nothing I could do about it. Putting that with my dream of the other night, I think my sub-conscience is very unhappy about having no say in anything. It's like it's getting freaked out that I'm just gonna get walked all over for the rest of my life and I fear that. I fear getting stuck in something where I really really like someone, but they don't care for my opinions and I'm too much of a chicken shit to leave them. I'm not saying that's what's happening, but the sleeping mind isn't controlled by reason. Gah. These dreams added to the 5-day long headache and being really really exhausted even though I get lots of sleep are all just adding up to make me feel completely insane and like I just want someone to tell me it'll all be okay and hold me tight.
Don't think that's gonna happen though.
I can't really think of anything I have to do here and uni and I'd love to just go home and watch some movies and maybe try to write an essay for a scholarship thing, but the damn construction is so loud that I don't know if it would be relaxing at all.

I had a totally unrelated thought the other day. I was looking online for information and what people had to say about waxing, I found lots of blogs and articles by women about their experiences with the bixini wax and brazilian and all that stuff. I find it really strange that I don't mind reading their articles and wouldn't mind writing about it except that it somehow seems like reading about ME doing it would be disturbing for anybody. Is that because it seems so out of character for me to get a wax done? It's like the whole style issue. I love some of the styles now. THe boots with heels and the other shoes and the shirts and stuff, but I can't for the life of me, actually picture myself wearing any of it. If I could actually afford it, would I even be able to pull off a look like that or am I completely stuck in my jeans and t-shirt look for the rest of my life?
Gah. My head hurts. I get the impression that I'm stressed out, which doesn't surprise me. I'm really poor, have heaps on at school, plus I still kinda feel like the edges are fraying in my relationship. I keep telling myself that one good day with the boy would bring it all back, but I think that's not true. He doesn't want to be around just me for a whole day unless the flashing screen is on, or he's got his computer or something. I doubt he'd even want to go off on some crazy weekend trip with me. It is very likely that I'm just being my psycho self and overthinking all of this way way too much, but can I really help how I feel? I want to be more low maintenence, but I think that just every once in a while I need to feel like the guy cares for me, even when I'm being a stupid girl.
This is a very long post. I'm quite obviously ranting. Maybe it'll help.