So I've always said that the biggest downfall of the "blog" is the fact that anyone can read it. People can read it and take offense at what you say, they can get mad at you for things you say, they can judge you for things you say, and they can hate you. True that they can also respect you. I originally started this blog, and gave it the title "wow! i do think" because at the time i felt that everyone who knew me thought of me as a pathetic, ditzy girl who never actually thought about anything and i wanted to change that. I wanted it to be slightly introspective and have my opinions and ideas about the world around us. It seems to have gone in a different direction. Used as a place to vent when feeling down, then just when bored, then as a place to write about my new life here in New Zealand. Unfortunately, I've not only lost that whole introspective thing, I've discovered that it seems that 1-i think pretty much only about petty issues, and 2- that anything i want to write about in here could easily get me in trouble with other people. Which is horrid because I don't actually have anyone I can be truthful to anymore. I'd say "fuck it all" and write everything in here, but I really can't, which makes me feel a bit strange. Like only I know the truth and nobody else can know. Since I sort of started this so people could understand me more it seems like a bit of a waste. Oh well. Anyhow, this is one of those "needing to vent" posts. What am I supposed to do? I have nobody to talk to. I mean, there's Andy, but you can never talk to the bf about the bf...there's the animal, but that person certainly doesn't want to hear about this sort of shit, that's not the type of friendship. tho, i bet if i showed up and really needed to talk it would be okay. i'm just not that comfortable doing that since one could say the animal is kind of involved in what i want to vent about. There's p.man, but he's not here, would judge me, and even tho i'd guess he knows a bit more about me than most people, i just wouldn't feel right doing that. g.dude isn't around, and plus i dont even know what he'd say. there's work people, but they're all fun and silly gossip. nobody that i would really tell this stuff to. There just isn't anyone who actually knows my past and the present who I can talk to about this crap. And I'm so confused because I feel like I'm being very very unfair, I know i'm being unfair. and very greedy. i mean...i want everything. i want to still have him, i want to be able to do whatever i want. the two may not be mutually exclusive, but i highly doubt i can have all i want. bloody hell i need to do a bunch of schoolwork. i was gonna get ahead over break! i haven't touched any of my school stuff. i need to remember that school is supposed to be a majority of my life now. i'm an academic. i'm working on a masters, i have to be intelligent and not get behind and be motivated. motivated. hah. i think i need to go out and get a giant stuffed bear or panda or something. just so i can feel like i have something that understands me.
i did leave the states to get away from it all and start over, but having left it's almost like the past didnt happen, which is weird because it's left its marks and i can't hide from that fact. so basically for someone to understand me now, i actually have to explain everything, hopefully as unbiased as possible and without sounding like i'm asking for anything.
btw. i want everyone to know taht gwb is a fucking idiot. as are so many fucking people in this world. how can we really have defeated natural selection so much?
If anyone ever reads this anymore i pose a question: what is the point of a relationship at this point in life? relationships have nowhere to go but an end, unless you're gonna get married and i dont even want to think about that for like 3-4 years. so basically in getting into a relationship at this point, i either have to think i want to marry the person, or i'm doing it just so that it can end and cause pain for all involved?!? any answers?
bloody hell.