Okay. Not as confident as my last post. I have some things I want to say...god knows if i'll actually get through them since i tend to get add and forget what i want to say here, but whatever. 1-i've been relatively depressed lately. i have 2 possible reasons for this, one being living alone (though i dont think that's it) the only reason i might suspect that is because last time i lived alone things weren't so great. i actually think it's because of a prescription i have. yes, this is way too open and honest for me, but it's really fucking pissing me off. so i think it's this prescription and i'm gonna try to go back to the uni doc and either have it changed, or see if there's a way that i can bring in, or have shipped, my old prescription from home because fucking kiwi-ville doesn't have the same ones as home and so here i am. stuck with feeling like shit. i suppose it could also be that i know it's possibly the prescription and am using that as an excuse to indulge in my tendency towards depression. go figure. in any case...i think that if i can get the stuff from home, or if i can find a different one, either way i should start feeling better. yeah. just thought that might explain my stupidity and "strangeness" to anybody who might be wondering. and it's annoying me a lot. sucks to be annoyed with yourself, especially when it's something you're not sure you can really do anything about. anyways...
i've also alluded to friends that weren't good friends...at least i think i've alluded to it. in any case. i've got this habit of not really thinking of "friends" as friends. to myself, i really only call someone a friend if i feel that i can talk to them about almost anything, if they have some idea of whats going on in my life, if i can call them up out of the blue and say "wanna hang out", and if they care when i'm feeling crappy or something. yes, i know it's a tough defintion. probably why i've never really considered myself has having a lot of friends. of course, i have lots of people that in conversation i call friends. now. since i moved across teh world, i've obviously had to start over in teh friend category. first there was anne. she's a friend, by my defintion. mark...he's a friend by my definition. alex...friend. McAC...was a friend. i thougth he was a friend, i talked to him, we hung out, it was chill. now i dont get that. he could give a rats ass what happens in my life. i suppose i just have those few close friends that actually would care and i got greedy. i also worry about this a bit too much. he doesn't understand why it is that i thanked him so much for inviting me over to work on the boat and having dinner and stuff. he probably thinks it's cuz i like him or something like that. it's just nice to know that people want to spend time with me. yes, i know i have awesome people that i know would always be up to hang out with me, but having someone invite me over, someone who has no idea whats going on with me, was good. but the fact that he doesn't know how shit i've kinda been feeling lately, the fact that he wouldn't care if i told him. if i called him and told him that i really needed something to do on a particular night cuz i was feeling like shit or whatever, he wouldn't get it. and for some reason, that pisses me off. maybe cuz the first impressions i had of him were him listening to my and my stupid babble. stupid fucking girl that i am. oh well.
well. there's a rant for ya. and one that explains some things. i'm already embarassed by it.
oh, speaking of being embarassed. man was i red at work today. there's this guy who works back of house and he came around on his break and i didnt recognize him as someone who works there...i felt so dumb. SO DUMB. shows how much i pay attention to other people eh. so damn wrapped up in my own little pathetic existence i cant even recognize people. fuck!
meh, dont feel like doing a pic...