it's been an interesting past couple of days. hard to believe it's already november! i've just finished watching sex in the city. i actually like that show, though i cant help thinking of kristin every time i see it. it also makes me want to write in here and make my sentences real strange, just like she does there. but i'm not going to.
lets see...on monday i was angry with myself. still am to an extent, but not for the same reasons, though i have managed to get myself into a potentially complicated situation. i think it won't actually be that complex at all and i think it'll all be cool, except that knowing me, i'll set myself up with a great chance to be hurt. oh well. c'est la vie, eh?
as may have been made obvious here, i've been a bit lonely lately. at first i was thinking that i missed being home and such, but i think that's only half of it. i miss being home and having people that know me to talk to about stuff and having people that are always up to at least say hi and hang out a bit. dont quite have that here. i think it's also that i've been so used to having a boyfriend...this is the longest i've been single since my junior year of high school. yes, that was 1998. 7 fucking years. no wonder i feel like nobody knows me and i have issues sitting around doing nothing by myself. i've always had some guy at my beck and call to entertain/annoy/keep me company. i'm not saying that's what i want, just that it's what i'm used to and i find it very difficult. (this might be a long post, sorry) i have a couple guy friends here, and i do not want to annoy them or pester them or impose myself...yadda, yadda, yadda, but it's a HUGE temptation to me because i've always had someone. i am somewhat enjoying being single however, it's nice to not have to deal with the shit of a relationship, though i think a relationship is possible without so much shit.
tuesday night i was feeling quite lonely and not so brilliant, so i went for a gander around the city. i sat down by the water for a while, it was beautiful and there was wind and lights on the water. ahhhhhhhh.....and then i walked over to mt. victoria, then i wandered back to cuba street where i sat people-watching and chain smoking (unfortunate, yes i know) for like an hour and half. now, during this time i was being a pathetic human being and lowering myself to something i would never normally do. i'm not going to explain, but dont worry, it was nothing disgusting or anything that normal people would even find "low". but it really bothered me. i finally wandered home around 12:30 or so and went to bed.
wed. i wandered around the city most of the day and then went to see the nutcracker with alex. i love the music from that ballet. the director had changed the storyline a bit and i wasn't the biggest fan of the way he wanted it, but it was still entertaining. i also wasn't the biggest fan of the music director, didnt like the way he directed or the balance on some of the pieces. s'pose that could've been where i was sitting, but whatever. i also felt that i am/was a better english horn player than the person playing for the ballet. mildly frustrating. anyways, afterwards i talked to boss-man about work and then went over to tupelo to listen to Robyn DJ and just chill. i was feeling like i needed to talk to someone and not just sit at home, so i made a point to go chill with people. we were only there for about 2 hours, then boss-man offered me a ride home, which i gladly accepted, considering i was wearing fucking heels! i ended up sitting in the car with him talking for 3 hours. not so much a conversation really, more of a "me blabbing on about everything". it was probably one of the most needed "conversations" ever. i had so much crap i felt like i needed to say and nobody to say it to. kinda sucked though cuz i found myself saying things that i thought i'd never say and things that i've never said before... go figure, eh. needless to say, i'm feeling a lot better today, though i still have a ton of thinking to do on a bunch of stuff.
i got out my oboe and english horn today to see if i could still play. the english horn didn't sound so bad, but the oboe was awful. i think that's cuz i have NO reeds for it, while i have several decent english horn reeds. it felt so amazing to play again. i didnt play very long, but it made me want to play again and again. god i miss that part of my life. i miss playing in a symphony. with all of me. i've been in a symphony non-stop since i was in 5th grade. 5th grade!!! that's like, 12 years or so. no wonder i miss it! i'm hopefully gonna practice over summer and then go to auditions for the uni symphony in jan. and see if i can get back into it.
anne and i wandered down by the water today for a while. i keep going down by the water, and every time i do i feel like i'm going to go absolutely nuts. i need to go sailing. my bones ache for it. just to get out on the water with the wind in my face and the spray in the air and having to move around and pay attention and eveything! never thought i'd miss sailing that much, but i suppose that is also something that i've been doing for the past 6 years. that makes me feel old.
i got my hair cut. i thought it looked like a mushroom, but the reviews have all been positive thus far, so maybe it's not so bad. i'm getting used to it too i suppose.
a while ago, i wrote to myself a promise that i would stop feeling so sorry for myself, which i've been pretty good about. i also promised myself that i'd stop getting all sad for no reason. i've done a decent job of that tool, with the exception of this morning when i had a minute of weird weakness. it was really strange because it wasn't about myself, it was feeling bad for how i'd made someone else feel. i used to worry about that stuff all the time, but i stopped worrying about it for reasons not to be explained. guess that's back. it's nice to know that i still have a conscience, i was afraid it had left me.
this is getting long.
tomorrow i get to learn how to use the pam-fluorometer. a cool thing that'll show me how photosynthetically active the zooxanthellae are within the anemones. cool huh!
i wont be able to fall asleep until 2 or 3.
i keep having really vivid dreams and waking up totally sweaty. (yes, i know that's gross, but it happens to everyone at some point)
i'm dangerously close to being vulnerable.
i'm tired.
i'm worried.
i'm confused.
i'm afraid, as always.
g'night.