Well...I dont' know the date, heck I barely know what day of the week it is...but i figured i should just post something about what i'm up to these days since i'm not in school anymore. i'm doing several things
1-i'm working part time at cal performances on campus. this is the same job i had last semester, i'm just continuing...it's about 14 hours a week
2-i'm volunteering at the coral alliance in the city. it's a non-profit aimed at protecting coral reefs worldwide through education, eco-tourism promotion, plus the creation of marine parks and the likes. i'm a great intern, and i'm in charge of the online library thing were references, pamphlets, posters, books...all sorts of stuff about coral reefs can be found online...
3-i'm playing in symphony. mostly english horn, but some oboe and i'm gonna start working a lot more on reedmaking since i tend to find myself just sitting around at night
4-i'm knitting a scarf. it's about 2.5 feet long at this point, but i have another ball of yarn to add on to it.
5-i'm going to sailing practice whenever i dont really have anything else to do, its such a break from sitting in front of a computer or a tv, or reading or any of that stuff
6-i'm still looking for a second part-time job around berkeley. i have strange hours (cant work tue. or thur.) and i could only do nights, which makes it hard to look, but i'm still looking...
7-i'm feeling very...uhhhhh....kind of like a drifter even though i have this house and all that. it's like i know that i'm headed toward my future, but i have no idea what i want that future to be. i'd love to be a teacher and i've gotten a lot of positive reinforcement from some people on that idea, but i'm still a science person, an environmentalist and i'd love to do research that would help activists prove the atrocities to those people who seem to not notice what we're doing to our world. on that note...i'm looking at grad schools in marine sciences in australia. i think the plan for now is to apply at these two schools that seem to have interesting programs. if i get in, then i'll go and do that for a while. if i dont get in then i'll work towards a teaching credential and find myself some kids to teach...i wonder if i could be a band director and science teacher at the same school somewhere...
8-i have that feeling again that i have nobody to talk to, and i pity any poor fool who tries to talk to me about anything...i seem to be incapable of actually listening to people. i had like a 2 hour conversation with someone and afterwards, i realized that i had just blabbed on about myself and i knew virtually nothing about the person i was talking to....i hate feeling so conceited. i also hate feeling like i dont have anyone that i can really talk to. and i can tell that i'm frustrated with my situation because the stupidest little stuff annoys me really easily.
-yeargh
i make too many goddamned excuses
i have an excuse for EVERYTHING
it's so awful and it completely rules my life, anything that i want to do, i always have an excuse not to do it....i know it's a problem, so i try to combat excuses as they pop up, but i suck at it
for example:
i want to practice my oboe more- "the practice rooms are far away" "i cant play in my apartment cuz i dont want to bother the neighbors" "i always sound so shitty in those practice rooms it almost defeats the entire purpose"
i want to go running-"running alone can be lonely" "other people are faster than me and i feel bad making them go slowly" "running holds a lot of emotions for me and i dont want to open that can of worms"
i want to go out-"it's cold outside" "watching a movie and just chillin is so much more...chill...why would i want to go subject myself to societies stupid opinions of what's 'normal' for me to do on a friday night"
i want to do my homework-"it's boring"
i need to go to work-"but i have nothing to do there" "its not like anyone would know the difference if i were there or not"
this is my life....none of those excuses are valid, but they control what i do. it sucks
i'm tired, maybe going to bed at 5:30am last night has something to do with that...whatever...it was a chill night
lates