today i went out to the victoria university marine lab for the first time. crazy isn't it, i've been here doing marine biology for 6 months and today was the first time i've been over there. it's a really really cool place. there's all these labs, and a bunch of diving gear, and some boats, and a ute, and it's just so cool! plus i got to ride there on a motorcycle! rahul needed to put out quadrats for his research, and in my boredom i decided to go out there with him! i spent a couple hours just sitting on the rocks, watching the waves crash, looking at random organisms....it is such an AMAZING place to just sit out and look out and think about things.
earlier today i realized that i no longer think guys are capable of real feelings. i know that sounds horrible, and i'm positive it's a result of recent events and general bitterness. I have to say though that I believe it more and more. Guys just don't seem to actually feel anything, have thoughts about anything besides surface events and thoughts. Anything other than simple happenings of everyday life and random, light musings about such things, they dont seem to have feelings that affect them and such...it's the weirdest thing. the more i think about this issue, the more i feel that i have validation here. i was sitting there today, looking out at the water, the gray sky, wishing that i had someone to share it with, and then realizing that guys would totally not understand, wouldn't have any feelings when looking out on the scene. i mean, could a guy really sit there next to me looking at the scene and actually think it was beautiful? do guys even know that word? would a guy be able to sit there and keep his hands off me for the most part? not say "hey, wanna have sex?" and just take the wonder and beauty out of the situation. i kinda feel like that's just simply not possible. fucking boys.
i'm lonely
i've had 6 beers. all should be proud of me for actually drinking beers.
goddamn i'm lonely.